Felt the Lady of The Manor thinking and could feel her remember what it is like. The memory suited her better than she wants to admit.
She said we’re inextricably linked and I think she was probably right. So I am waiting for the Lady of Manor to end the frigid silence.
It is coming, I can feel it. 58th birthdays do that. 😉 I know exactly how old she really is.
Still intend to share this with SQ sooner or later. Thinking about all that led to this place and wondering what the outcome of some of it will be.
Can’t let go of some things, my anger is deep and unrelenting.
Eventually some of it will dissipate because there is no point nor use in drinking poison but I am not there yet.
So much good stuff, but damn it took something to get here and that is part of my anger but can’t say more than that now.
Maybe someone wants to have a real conversation…in person and we’ll talk or maybe not. Might not be that time yet.
Been meaning to share these with the Shmata Queen.
The sense of relief that comes with honest writing is huge.
When you can put your thoughts down without concern about the consequences of sharing certain ideas or feelings it comes with a wave of relief.
Years ago I thought not being able to write/speak openly meant there was a big issue with whatever you were worried about sharing but I have come to see that is not necessarily true.
You can feel stunted and stilted about some things because putting those out there would cause issues you would rather not have. People don’t always react based upon logic or reason.
I think about sending a post card to Post Secret about us. I wonder if they will post it and I wonder if you will see it.
I wonder about many things, maybe we’ll discuss them one day.
Rougher night than I expected, this grief thing isn’t for the weak but I am not the giving up type of guy, eh SQ.
If you are me the answer appears to be many.
That begs a follow up question of how effective are you at utilizing said blogs which leads to a second follow up question of what metrics are necessary for measuring effectiveness.
Am I setting up a new series on blogging and going to focus on these thoughts?
Maybe, but I don’t know if I will run it here. Have to decide if I like it best where I have more anonymity or better where I have more traffic.
Got a link to the prior post for you. I miss you woman. I know you know it and I can feel you thinking about it.
We were best friends and maybe kind of still are, just sort of on hold in a way. I bet you might wonder if you would get addicted to me again.
I expect there is a good chance you might, but is that really a bad thing. I don’t think so.
Told you something in the prior post and now two weeks later I repeat it, I called you.
Maybe you are ignoring me. Maybe you’re hiding. Maybe you’re waiting for me.
Maybe I am just a memory, a dream you once had and let go.
I picked up the phone and called you. If you open your eyes, ears and heart you can hear me shouting even though my voice carries at a whisper level.
Been doing some more dancing in the fire again and writing about it here and there.
Probably been more explicit in some places, waiting to see if I get a response or if I will need to go looking for one. Got a few ideas about both and what I will or will not do.
Suppose that is ambiguous to some readers and probably not of particular interest but there are boundaries in blogging.
There are things we put out on paper with no concern for who reads them and how they might be interpreted and others that we are more circumspect with whom we share.
It’s part of the fun.
I told that sweet Virgo girl that I would update most of the places I write in. Already updated the cyberhome, trying to decide if I’ll add another tonight.
I might, depends on if I see her traveling around and if so, well I probably will.
Always nice to see my favorite Virgo girl come visit, nicer to see her in person and show her my joy. 🙂 Step into my arms, and I’ll show you.
You’re not old and you’re still sexy to me… woman. Not sure how soon you’ll read this, but you will. The URL of this blog makes me laugh, you’re to blame. 😉
Woman, you need to be in my arms. It is warm and safe there, better than the wacky winter crap going on outside.
Some of what is inside is spilling out, that is what happens when you let loose a bit huh.
Dear Lady J,
You know that silence is acceptance and I have understood yours to be an agreement to my proposal. 🙂
I have a letter I have written to you. Hell, I have 10,000 letters.
Maybe we’ll see each other in person soon and I’ll bury my nose in your neck and let you know what I wrote.
Oh do I have stories about secrets and secret stories. If you sat on my lap or next to me on the couch I might even tell you one.
Your kiss is on my list.
Yes, I wrote those two words for you. You can make of those what you may be it inside June or any other month. 😀
Got that familiar ache, the one I know from so many years. The one that says I want to know if my heart is wrong or right. Sometimes you just miss people.
Got a very warm greeting for you dear woman. I think you’ll enjoy it.
Step into my arms and tell me you don’t feel connected. Tell me it isn’t home and one of the most familiar, safe places you have ever been in.
I didn’t expect anything to go as it has or to be as it is/was.
Life is very different than what I would imagined it to be 25 years ago.
I have tried to just roll with it, let go of somethings and hold onto others but I end up in the same places.
Some might call it destiny and some coincidence but I’m more of an agnostic on it.
Can’t say it’s entirely the latter and can’t say it’s all the former.
Somehow it all rolls back to a couple of people and I suppose I decided long ago I’m going to take the road not taken.
Maybe I’m a naive fool who believes in romance or maybe I’m an idiot, sort of don’t care.
Just want to test my theory so the answer becomes obvious.
It’s coming woman, time together again. Pasqualina the gypsy queen says you need to be kissed and I’m just the guy to do it.
Could call it destiny, could call it science. Could say I need to bury my face in your neck.
Could say I wrote about it in greater detail but not here.
Woman, you need to be kissed. You need to feel my lips pressed against yours so that you can be reminded and remember.
Enough of the excuses and lists of reasons why it shouldn’t be tested. Some things are meant to be experienced.
He thought about why it was hard and so confusing and thought it could be love.
Some things don’t die quickly or easily and some keep going for the distance for reasons we don’t understand.
He reached out with his mind and talked to the woman,
“Take a chance and step into my arms. See what it feels like and maybe we’ll discover that time has passed us or maybe we’ll see we are right where we need to be.”
Thought about picking up the phone or sending a text/email/message about the prior posts but haven’t decided yet.
It is a conversation I’d much rather have in person because it makes more sense to me.
The simple path of least resistance is to do nothing and see what does or doesn’t happen but that doesn’t make sense to me.
Could be easier but it doesn’t really provide resolution now does it.
Given all that is going on I am not sure if face-to-face can happen any time soon and maybe it doesn’t matter.
Maybe destiny is a human construct and maybe it is not. Maybe there is no rhyme or reason to things happen, maybe there is.
Ultimately doesn’t matter now does it. I could wait and see if the other party does anything but my guess is they will always let me go first on something like this.
Unless it is in person and who knows.
Bottom line choices and decisions are pending review.
Post before this one shocked me today because it felt like I could almost reach out and contact the person I was thinking of.
Thought about telling SQ that I really want to go deep and have the kind of no holds barred conversation we used to on a regular basis.
Because sometimes you need to be able to have that trust that you can share those innermost thoughts with someone who may not always agree but understands how to support you.
And maybe I will…maybe.
“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.
I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.
I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,
and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda
Should I write a special birthday post? Decisions.
You miss just picking up the phone to speak with the guy who was your best friend and maybe in some ways still is.
Almost a month since the last post. Damn, time moves too fast and yet too slow.
OK SQ, I think it is time for a big hug. Going to wrap you up–just telling you in advance.
One foot in the past, one in the present and one in the future.
I’d say call me a tripod and you might roll your eyes. Of course there is one with dark hair, dark eyes and long legs who might have something to say about whether there is truth or exaggeration about the tripod part.
Step forward woman, let me wrap you up and we’ll talk about life.
Someone asked not so long ago if The Shmata Queen and I are married and I laughed. Reminded me of the old days and a plethora of conversations.
When they asked me for an answer I said she’d tell you we are inextricably linked together…forever.
They asked if that meant yes and I said make of it what you will.
When they pushed I said my dear Shmata Queen might not want private business discussed but would absolutely appreciate the push for details.
That being said pushing me for information I don’t have interest in sharing rarely gets a solid response.
And there is no guarantee that trying to motivate me to do anything by walking away or going silent will work as I have spent so many years living in silence and uncertainty I am typically more comfortable than others.
It is not hard to find me but that doesn’t mean it is easy to be with me or get information. I can be prickly and I am not usually bothered by it.
Thinking about doing something more with this, maybe.
Well Sweet Girl, I am more convinced than ever that what I said here is true.
I feel the need to take you and have you. I bet you have thought about it more than once.
Sweet girl, your lips miss mine. You know how I know?
You told me.
When are we going to fix this.
SQ, I think you need to be fed and I am just the person to do it.
I know what Preparation H is supposed to do, though I’m not sure it works.
But what I don’t know is the connection between the name and it’s function.
The waiting for a response has begun.
I still lay even money that you’d like to spend a few minutes in my arms. You always felt safe there and still would.
I’d like to say I have had so much sex during quarantine I won’t ever need it again. That would be beyond an exaggeration and honestly, the person I’d like to wear out isn’t in this house so…
That is the sad or hopeful truth, depending on how you look at it.
Sometimes I get tired of wrestling with tech and sometimes I…don’t.
Oh the stories and things to share.
Let’s be honest woman, you’d like to rest in my arms cuz you know you feel safe there.
But you are holding back cuz that animal magnetism will take over and who knows whether you’ll be on your back, bent over the couch and in any number other positions you fake grouch.
Ok, you are not a fake but it doesn’t bother me because I am pretty damn grumpy myself.
It is a crazy mixed-up world, who knows what will or won’t happen, I sure don’t.
But I have my ideas.
Woman, eventually you’ll get here again and I’ll remind you I am here for you.
Some people you miss when they aren’t around even if you have seen or spoken to them recently for no other reason than just because.
For the time being though there are conversations to be had I am not pushing to have them.
Doesn’t mean I am ignoring them because I absolutely am not. Time will come when I will make them front and center.
When I choose to go looking those that I search for will know and will engage because there will be no other option.
Got a new situation that has cropped up that is beginning to make me crazy. Trying to see if I can fix it myself.
Almost used this in a post, but opted not to cuz BJ Manilow got my thinking about activities I’d be interested in this evening but are unavailable.
And so it goes, the battle against and with other things as listed below.
Ain’t life peachy.
It is an all-out war right now, not against my own but another.
It is tearing me up, making me feel crazed and a little lost. Guess I am back to faith and hope that my gut is right about another thing.
I did what I feared to do.
There are things going on that concern me because I can’t figure out if they are the sort that happen once and go away or if they stick around.
I lean towards the body healing itself and them being manageable, but sometimes I wonder and occasionally I worry.
One day you might read tales of a naked shmata or maybe not. Some don’t kiss and tell.
The question of whether you should come up with new content or not isn’t answered here.
That is what I am doing, reading and writing the night away.
Almost 24 years and I am reminded again that I should have changed it all a thousand years ago.
How very disappointing to be perpetually reminded about how poorly understood a person can be by those who should know better.
Second choice and second best is a recipe for trouble, too bad I wasn’t smarter.
Went through a few of the blogs I maintain and discovered I forgot to hit publish on a few.
Oh well, I guess I have had ample reason to be distracted.
It’s not just carrying that weight I mentioned in the previous post, it is the lack of affection in general.
There are virtually no hugs or touching of any sort from anyone. I didn’t know how much I would miss it.
The things you learn about yourself as you walk the path.
Gets old being the guy that always carries the weight. No real support and no choices other than to keep moving straight ahead for a little while longer.
Told a chick with long legs and dark eyes to sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up.
She rolled her eyes at me and asked if I really thought that was going to work. I said it always had in the past.
And then I woke up and realized she wasn’t there but she had been there in the past so who knows if that is a premonition or silly dream.
Things are moving at light speed, not sure how it will all turn out. In theory it will all be good and maybe even great.
Would much rather focus on a woman and things that we could do to…gether.
But that might have to wait until she wakes up or I get this other stuff settled. What a crazy time.
Made a couple of moves professionally and am waiting to see what comes next. Maybe nothing, or maybe more than a little something.
Should make life interesting. Yikes.
Been a long time since I had a proper partner in my bed. It isn’t solely about sex but about the companionship too.
Sometimes teenagers make you wonder if it would be easier to run away or beat yourself over the head witb a bat.
He clicks on a link and time travels becomes possible.
There is a girl who comes by this place periodically looking for updates so I am fixing this so that she has something new to read.
Here Milady, is a new post.
The girl was seated and he tried not to stare too hard or too often, but he didn’t know whether he did or didn’t.
Didn’t really worry about it, but it didn’t mean he didn’t think.
Trying to make a few things happen. Trying to figure out the smart and safe route versus risk and reward.
Risk sounds like the reward might be worth it.
Lots of maybes lately.
Wrote two posts in the last week on the story blog.
Took fragments of fiction and pieces of reality and did my best to weave them together as those pieces seem to do the best with readers.
Survived a brutal week that was five times as hard as it needed to be, but also got some big things moving.
Waiting to see if what I set in motion pays off as it could be a huge game-changer at work. Won’t know for a bit.
There are some real nice opportunities coming down the pike or so I hear so I am trying to keep things going long enough to see if they are as promising as I hear rumor of.
Daughter asked for a guarantee I won’t take any position out of state until she graduates.
I told her I am not looking for one and that I am trying to put roots down for a while but said if the right opportunity came along I would have to be open to it.
Truth is I don’t know what would be, but if you offered me several hundreds of thousands of dollars I would have to at least listen.
Got one hell of a challenge with work and I am a bit nervous because I don’t know if they’ll give me the time to make things happen.
I think they might, but who knows.
I am pretty good at this and I think this could be pretty damn good and lead to lots of good stuff, but I have to survive now.
Have to be given a chance.
Hope springs eternal right.
Some people remain silent until you approach them.
Got this strange feeling in the back of my head that big changes are coming. Wonder if I am right or if this funny feeling is nonsense.
Seems I am in the midst of the lonely days. Wonder how long this will or won’t last. Could be a while, could be short.
A working vacation isn’t relaxing. Can’t call it quits today and can’t focus as well as I would like.
Restless feeling has me going crazy.
Sometimes it feels like we dance in circles around each other. Sometimes getting closer and sometimes growing farther apart.
In between I catch a hint of a scent that throws me because there is a chemical reaction set off, I smell it and I want more.
It is a crazy time now, far more challenging than I ever anticipated or expected. Everything feels…harder.
You know what the problem is with a kiss once remembered is that some were awful and best forgotten and others… life changing.
The kind where you wanted to do it again because it was so good it was unreal so science demands you confirm.
The burning question is will desire be followed or ignored. It is one hell of a ride and a crazy train at that.
Will the wagons roll or will the gates remain locked.
The dance continues as the music plays and as they circle the question changes, will she take his hand or wait for him to take hers first?
The dance continues and then there is silence.
Will he take her hand again.
Been dancing with a girl who makes me smile and makes me frown. Has made me smile more than frown, but won’t lie and say she hasn’t made me crazy at times.
I, of course, haven’t ever done that to her. 🙂
This joint makes me laugh sometimes because of the URL. It is sort of an inside joke and if you are not inside, well you are missing out.
Probably shouldn’t harp on that because I don’t really plan on changing it, at least not today. Always possible that I fill you in…maybe in June.
Maybe outside of June.
Kind of like the Hokey Pokey where you put it in and take it out and then shake it…all about.
Good times, huh. 🙂
Some of you keep asking if I am still around and the answer is damn right I am.
Yeah, I haven’t updated in a long while but I am here now and thinking about the best way to share some stories with you.
Thinking about how I wound up taking a spiral staircase up into the sky and made the mistake of getting off on the wrong landing.
Or maybe it is more accurate to say I forgot to mark the exit and got lost in the woods.
Spent a lot of time wandering until I found an elevator that I thought would take me home and discovered it didn’t.
Years later people found me and offered to guide me back to where I had been but I refused because I had already figured out the way back.
But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go or if I was ready, so I didn’t.
The echoes of the past reach into the present teaching us that ghosts are more real than we once thought.
Or maybe what we call ghosts ought to be called something else.
Rising from the depths of consciousness we return to where we once stood to begin anew.
Jack Steiner is more than just a name but there are moments when I wonder how much more.
Looking out the window for answers I know aren’t there.
In spite of appearances, I am still around.
- Birth Of Days
- Blogging Is A Game
- A Chanukah Sampling
- Unlinking A LinkedIn Connection(s)
- A Bad Case Of Blog Avoidance
- The ‘Truth’ Lives
- A Different World Series Experience
- The Nintendo Lesson
- What Good Is The NRA?
- The Mightiest Dad Blog
- Nintendo Captures Teens & Monsters
- Thaw Today, Thaw Tomorrow
- It Could Be A Gift
They make promises they can’t keep and create excuses for why you’re responsible for their not being able to keep them.
So this fat middle aged hunter waddles into his truck and wonders if his wife has noticed his dick gets lost in the rolls of fat between his belly and his groin.
He shrugs it off and figures that a big truck and gun will make up for the shortcomings between his legs.
The poor slob remembers a time when he wasn’t portly but also remembers he couldn’t get most women to pay any attention to him, at least not in the way he wanted.
Some would be friendly but only the biggest losers would give him real time.
Eventually one took mercy upon him but she was never very good to him and would rarely put out.
It made him into angry and sometimes abusive prick or maybe that was just his natural state, not that he was ever introspective.
One day he met a woman through his children’s school and got excited because she was friendly.
She made him feel funny, kind of like his mother used to make him feel funny when she gave him a bath.
Not that he wanted to think about that because she didn’t stop bathing him until he was 17.
Mama’s boy was going to be the pride of grapeland.
Anyway, this new friend made him happy because she didn’t run and scream when he showed up. She wasn’t afraid like those other girls had been and that made him possessive.
He began to think he could get her for himself and started to plan for it. Each day his deepset piggy eyes would focus on her picture and imagine what it would be like to have her.
And each day his fat little hands would curl up into fat fists because he knew there was another man.
It made him angry and played upon his insecurities to think about this other man who didn’t need a truck or gun to prove his masculinity.
He just was and that was unfair to the fat hunter, so he sat back and plotted.
Ever notice how fat, dumb and stupid men never recognize when they’re being played.
Maybe if they pulled their fat asses out of hunting blinds and got some exercise it would be different.
Be a man and fight the deer/boat with your hands or a brief.
There are moments which lend themselves to spending time with people that you haven’t seen in person in quite some time.
Got a bunch of people enjoying empty nest time now, maybe that encourage them to getting together.
I know the difference between dreams, wishes, and realities. Can tell you I have drunk deeply from each and that there have been moments where I lived the dream.
Have tried very hard to get a shot at seeing if that dream I lived ever so briefly could come back.
That is not wishing for a return to the past but for an opportunity for a future. May never come, might not ever get the opportunity. If that is how it goes I’ll figure it out cuz that is what I do.
Some air is sweeter to breathe than other and if that is how it goes, well maybe I’ll be like others and come up with reasons to be angry and maybe I won’t. Can’t say for certain until I am in certain positions.
Ain’t life a dandy experience filled with peachy moments.
Been a whirlwind trip and it is almost over. Trying to sit back and make the most of it. Trying to just enjoy, but a little nervous here and there.
Sitting in the hotel room waiting for the girls to finish their make up, I look out the window and ponder the big questions of my life.
I’d share them now but the bathroom is now free and it’s time to get ready.
It’s a big day and I’m excited.