Four years later life is very different than it used to be. Upside down, inside out and turned around from where it once was. Maybe it would have always reached this place. maybe I always would have found myself at this point but I don’t know.
It is a mix of feelings swirling through me now. I am furious with some of those I was once closest too and I haven’t decided what to do if anything about it. The anger serves me well. It makes it easy to forget and ignore some things, but anger is not something I wish to hold onto.
Every moment of anger is a moment of peace lost to the darker side and that is not where I want to be, but it is seductive.
I am tempted to give in to the siren song and do whatever it asks of me. It reminds me that I can only trust myself and that one one else will look out for me the way I want. It calls to me and says it is safer to say inside the cave, but there is that other piece that scoffs at it.
There is that other guy who looks at me and shakes his head because he says I know better. He is probably right, but it is hard to let go of this other place. I paid such a price for the things I have done and I am still paying. Will probably do so for some time to come.
Truth is I can keep walking and keep paying because that is how I am built, but it would be a lie if I said I don’t wonder when I’ll find the support I once had.
Honesty requires that I admit I miss that and that it would be easier to do what needs to be done if I had it. Maybe that is where the anger comes from because right now it serves the role of companion, but that is it.
It is not master nor commander. Those titles remain under my care and charge.
Still life is good and some very cool things are on the horizon. Things worth being excited about, but they are nothing until they are something. Time will tell.