Disconnected


Woke up a while back and realized I feel disconnected and distant from most of my friends and frankly most of the people I know but I can’t decide if I should be bothered by this.

Or maybe it is more accurate to say I can’t decide if I should be bothered by not being bothered by this.

Saturday night I sat in the hot tub for a while and stared at the stars and let my mind wander and I tried to figure out when it happened because it seems to me that it has been like this for a good long while.

We all have our challenges that occupy us and some are truly harder than others. Those of my friends and family who have been battling real health issues have things that are indeed harder than what I have faced and I am ok with that. I will always prefer to lose the fight of who has the hardest life.

But hard or not our challenges are our own and I suspect that part of why I pulled away from some people was because they didn’t have anything that made life hard, or at least nothing I could see. I am happy for them, I truly am but when their stories always seem to be about the next vacation they are going to take or the last it gets old.

When they tell me about the wonderful camps they are sending their kids to and how happy they are with the schools it gets old for me quickly.

It doesn’t mean that I am not happy or that I begrudge them their good fortune because I don’t. As I mentioned before I have more than a few stories about friends who appeared to have those golden lives yet access to all of the kings horses and all of the kings men did no more good for them than wishing upon a star.

Terminal illnesses took them.

So I know ultimately my lot is better and that my road is longer at least in the sense of the path I walk upon so I am good with that. I learned long ago that leaning upon myself was usually going to be the best choice because it would be the most reliable and most consistent, at least during this time.

Life has a way of changing so you never know when that will move and when you’ll realize that you no longer feel disconnected or distant.

Though I have always had many friends and very good ones I will always choose to have a few who are consistently solid over many that are less so.

In the midst of it all I still take joy in the journey.

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