One of these days I’ll get around to explaining what that means. One of these days I’ll be in a place where I can just speak and not wonder who is going to try to stab me and who isn’t. One of these days I won’t turn my head with my horns lowered and ready to trample.
One of these days life will be easy again. Not a doubt, not a concern or worry about that.
But sometimes I wonder if after years of war how long it will take for me to put down my sword and lie on the couch with my eyes closed and muscles relaxed.
I remember the boy who didn’t know about these things. I remember the boy who didn’t have any cares or concerns. He was a good kid but he didn’t know how easy he had it or how hard the road he would walk upon would be.
Sometimes I look back at him and wonder if I would tell him to run the other direction. Sometimes I wonder if I would tell him what a fool he was and suggest he eat his gun or get lost.
But that boy wouldn’t have listened to anything I have to say. He would have responded to some with fire and fury. He would have come at me with all he had and I would have faced one hell of a fight. I can’t say what would happen because he never met a man as mean as the one I have become.
He never met an implacable foe but he wasn’t beaten up and worn down. He wasn’t subjected to the pounding I have taken and he had endless amounts of energy and physically he was as strong or stronger than everyone he met. He could dole out such punishment.
But then again he hadn’t taken the pounding and hadn’t learned first hand how much he could take. If you took it to him for a while you might scare him and cause him to waver in his conviction. If you went at him with all you had you might send him away and that might be enough for now.
It is hard to say because I know all he knew and all he will learn. I know how fast he adjusted to and how his reticence to face change fooled people into thinking he couldn’t learn any new tricks. There is no doubt he would survive the onslaught only a question of how soon he would respond.
The biggest question isn’t really tied into any of that. It is whether we can reach back in time and find some of those reserves the boy used to fuel his passion. It is whether we can rediscover his passion and undying belief in his own ability.
And maybe, just maybe we can learn to forgive ourselves for sins both real and otherwise.