After Midnight


I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long.  If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes~

It is no secret that I am a man who lives in both time and space. By that I mean that I am firmly rooted in reality. My feet are on the ground and I know exactly what is happening around me. But I don’t always accept things at value.

Place me inside a boxing ring with Mike Tyson or Muhammad Ali in their prime and there shouldn’t be any chance of my beating them. It shouldn’t matter whether you take the 40 year-old I am today or the 20 year-old I once was, the fight shouldn’t be close.

Those who know me best know that I will step into that ring believing with all my heart that I have a chance. It only takes one shot. One moment in time and I can put the champ on his ass. It doesn’t matter what the scenario is, I will always believe that I can find a way to succeed.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t accept the possibility that I might not or that I am not prepared to deal with it. I do and I am.

The question I ask myself is am I better served by taking a more conservative approach in everything. Am I better served to say that since the chance of success is so minuscule I shouldn’t make the attempt.

I wrote those words a long while ago but much of what I see there is still applicable today. I still think I can figure out whatever you put in front of me, still believe I can solve the really hard stuff because I have to believe it.

Don’t think I could have made it through all the crap if I didn’t believe I could get beyond it. Doesn’t matter how ridiculous it is or how silly it seems, we all have our ways of making it and this is mine.

I just believe I can and often I have and when I haven’t I have shifted gears.  Been more important than ever lately because life has been exceptionally tough and so I have had to draw upon the reserves which in many situations wouldn’t be a big deal except my reserves are close to empty.

This is why I am here at the computer after midnight, too much on my mind to sleep and no 24 hour gym to visit and no heavy bag in the garage to work upon.

Took a moment to stare at the faces of sleeping children and promised them I’ll figure it out. I did it before and I’ll do it again.

But damn, it is hard to believe that I am in this place again. I think the most frustrating thing was I had made so much progress and yet it didn’t take long for things to get nasty.

***

I took a six month contract and did so well they extended it, doubled it in length. Got excited because that was enough time to put a chunk of change away and then they surprised me and ended it earlier than expected.

So that big chunk of change was smaller than expected and like very good story we had a few extra bills that came up so the reserves went faster than expected and now I am back at the computer doing my best to stay calm.

Doesn’t pay to get too frustrated but damn, I worked my ass off.

Still, I have found a way to get through it all and I’ll make it again, might not have any hair left and I’ll probably have more wrinkles but…

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