A long while back someone kvetched at me about my unwillingness to open up to them. They told me they thought it was sad that I didn’t trust people enough to let them in and I told them they were misguided.
Misguided because I don’t require a ton of very close friends to feel happy or secure. I never have and the older I get the smaller my circle seems to become.
I have never had trouble making friends and have been lucky to have some of the best a man can have. I am well aware of it.
And I am well aware of my proclivity not to share my thoughts with people I don’t consider to be part of that core group.
Since I am thinking out loud here it is probably fair to say that part of the reason my circle has shrunk is due to life. People change, people move and people get so busy they just lose touch with another.
So the shrinkage is natural.
I suspect I noticed it before I moved to Texas but Texas is where I became aware of it. Happens when you move away from your home state to a place where you only know a couple of people.
The person who complained about my unwillingness to share might have found it enlightening to have seen me in Texas because if they paid attention they would have noticed I didn’t run around trying to make friends.
Eventually I noticed how much time I spent by myself but that didn’t happen until I went through a bunch of holidays and realized I didn’t have anywhere to go.
It was surreal because if I had been in LA I would have been bombarded with invitations but I didn’t have that same network in Texas.
Some of that was refreshing. It was nice to be alone on the Ponderosa and to have time to just be. It was nice to feel like I was starting over and I miss that.
It is also fair to say there were some lonely moments in Texas and times where I wondered when life would begin to feel normal and not unsettled.
But those didn’t happen very often.
And now that I have been gone for a while I miss it more than I can say. Not surprising to me to miss it, but interesting because I miss it with a much deeper intensity than I would have guessed.
Circle back to the friend bit and I’ll add that I am quite aware of whose presence I notice and whose I don’t. If you are among those I notice chances are I miss talking with you but it is also fair to say I tend not to chase people.
If I am important to them they’ll find me and make it obvious and if not, well that is ok too. We all have our priorities.
Not everyone deserves our trust or access to intimacy but those who do, well they are people you hold onto. And in my experience time apart doesn’t have a significant impact upon the friendship. We just pick up wherever it is we left off.