There is something so nondescript and sterile about saying you have physical discomfort that I want to scream.
Probably because I haven’t felt like I am at operating at peak capacity for a long time now. Got a million niggling aches, pains and odds and ends messing with me but I haven’t been to the doctor.
Some of that is because for a long time I couldn’t afford to go and some of it is because I think much of this is in my head. It is because of time and position and a mind/heart that says ‘we are not going to pretend all is well because you are on the wrong path.’
The old head says to the mind/heart to STFU and cooperate because the best way to push and pull ourselves out and ahead of the crap is by working on all engines.
But those cranky motherfuckers know how it goes and they say that head will find an excuse to stay the course if all feels well so they refuse to concede their position.
So I am left to deal with the anger and frustration but maybe that is not a bad thing. Had to push some of that down for a long while because it wasn’t helping me, it was a hindrance and now I am in a place to handle it.
Now I can look at it, acknowledge and then tell it to fuck off and never bother me again.
Some of you won’t believe me, but there are very few things that I look back upon. I am pretty good at moving forward and forgetting about the past. If I look behind me there is usually a damn good reason, something that makes sense and requires my attention.
It is about not making the same mistake twice.
This current situation won’t last and the day is coming.