Pending Review

Thought about picking up the phone or sending a text/email/message about the prior posts but haven’t decided yet.

It is a conversation I’d much rather have in person because it makes more sense to me.

The simple path of least resistance is to do nothing and see what does or doesn’t happen but that doesn’t make sense to me.

Could be easier but it doesn’t really provide resolution now does it.

Given all that is going on I am not sure if face-to-face can happen any time soon and maybe it doesn’t matter.

Maybe destiny is a human construct and maybe it is not. Maybe there is no rhyme or reason to things happen, maybe there is.

Ultimately doesn’t matter now does it. I could wait and see if the other party does anything but my guess is they will always let me go first on something like this.

Unless it is in person and who knows.

Bottom line choices and decisions are pending review.

Going Deep

Post before this one shocked me today because it felt like I could almost reach out and contact the person I was thinking of.

Thought about telling SQ that I really want to go deep and have the kind of no holds barred conversation we used to on a regular basis.

Because sometimes you need to be able to have that trust that you can share those innermost thoughts with someone who may not always agree but understands how to support you.

And maybe I will…maybe.

Caught My Eye

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda

Here We Are

One foot in the past, one in the present and one in the future.

I’d say call me a tripod and you might roll your eyes. Of course there is one with dark hair, dark eyes and long legs who might have something to say about whether there is truth or exaggeration about the tripod part.

Step forward woman, let me wrap you up and we’ll talk about life.

A Few Things

Someone asked not so long ago if The Shmata Queen and I are married and I laughed. Reminded me of the old days and a plethora of conversations.

When they asked me for an answer I said she’d tell you we are inextricably linked together…forever.

They asked if that meant yes and I said make of it what you will.

When they pushed I said my dear Shmata Queen might not want private business discussed but would absolutely appreciate the push for details.

That being said pushing me for information I don’t have interest in sharing rarely gets a solid response.

And there is no guarantee that trying to motivate me to do anything by walking away or going silent will work as I have spent so many years living in silence and uncertainty I am typically more comfortable than others.

It is not hard to find me but that doesn’t mean it is easy to be with me or get information. I can be prickly and I am not usually bothered by it.

Thinking about doing something more with this, maybe.

Quarantine

I’d like to say I have had so much sex during quarantine I won’t ever need it again. That would be beyond an exaggeration and honestly, the person I’d like to wear out isn’t in this house so…

That is the sad or hopeful truth, depending on how you look at it.

Open Arms

Let’s be honest woman, you’d like to rest in my arms cuz you know you feel safe there.

But you are holding back cuz that animal magnetism will take over and who knows whether you’ll be on your back, bent over the couch and in any number other positions you fake grouch.

Ok, you are not a fake but it doesn’t bother me because I am pretty damn grumpy myself.

Whatever.

It is a crazy mixed-up world, who knows what will or won’t happen, I sure don’t.

But I have my ideas.

Conversations To Be Had

For the time being though there are conversations to be had I am not pushing to have them.

Doesn’t mean I am ignoring them because I absolutely am not. Time will come when I will make them front and center.

When I choose to go looking those that I search for will know and will engage because there will be no other option.

Aging Isn’t For The Weak

There are things going on that concern me because I can’t figure out if they are the sort that happen once and go away or if they stick around.

I lean towards the body healing itself and them being manageable, but sometimes I wonder and occasionally I worry.

Almost 24 Years

Almost 24 years and I am reminded again that I should have changed it all a thousand years ago.

How very disappointing to be perpetually reminded about how poorly understood a person can be by those who should know better.

Second choice and second best is a recipe for trouble, too bad I wasn’t smarter.

Things We Notice

It’s not just carrying that weight I mentioned in the previous post, it is the lack of affection in general.

There are virtually no hugs or touching of any sort from anyone. I didn’t know how much I would miss it.

The things you learn about yourself as you walk the path.

Silly Things

Told a chick with long legs and dark eyes to sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up.

She rolled her eyes at me and asked if I really thought that was going to work. I said it always had in the past.

And then I woke up and realized she wasn’t there but she had been there in the past so who knows if that is a premonition or silly dream.

Wow

Things are moving at light speed, not sure how it will all turn out. In theory it will all be good and maybe even great.

Would much rather focus on a woman and things that we could do to…gether.

But that might have to wait until she wakes up or I get this other stuff settled. What a crazy time.

The Girl

The girl was seated and he tried not to stare too hard or too often, but he didn’t know whether he did or didn’t.

Didn’t really worry about it, but it didn’t mean he didn’t think.

So What

Wrote two posts in the last week on the story blog.

Took fragments of fiction and pieces of reality and did my best to weave them together as those pieces seem to do the best with readers.

Survived a brutal week that was five times as hard as it needed to be, but also got some big things moving.

Waiting to see if what I set in motion pays off as it could be a huge game-changer at work. Won’t know for a bit.

There are some real nice opportunities coming down the pike or so I hear so I am trying to keep things going long enough to see if they are as promising as I hear rumor of.

Daughter asked for a guarantee I won’t take any position out of state until she graduates.

I told her I am not looking for one and that I am trying to put roots down for a while but said if the right opportunity came along I would have to be open to it.

Truth is I don’t know what would be, but if you offered me several hundreds of thousands of dollars I would have to at least listen.

F*ck

Got one hell of a challenge with work and I am a bit nervous because I don’t know if they’ll give me the time to make things happen.

I think they might, but who knows.

I am pretty good at this and I think this could be pretty damn good and lead to lots of good stuff, but I have to survive now.

Have to be given a chance.

Hope springs eternal right.

Dancing In Circles

Sometimes it feels like we dance in circles around each other. Sometimes getting closer and sometimes growing farther apart.

In between I catch a hint of a scent that throws me because there is a chemical reaction set off, I smell it and I want more.

A Kiss Once Remembered

You know what the problem is with a kiss once remembered is that some were awful and best forgotten and others… life changing.

The kind where you wanted to do it again because it was so good it was unreal so science demands you confirm.

Desire

The burning question is will desire be followed or ignored. It is one hell of a ride and a crazy train at that.

Will the wagons roll or will the gates remain locked.

Dancing With A Girl

Been dancing with a girl who makes me smile and makes me frown. Has made me smile more than frown, but won’t lie and say she hasn’t made me crazy at times.

I, of course, haven’t ever done that to her. 🙂

Two Posts In Less Than a Month

This joint makes me laugh sometimes because of the URL. It is sort of an inside joke and if you are not inside, well you are missing out.

Probably shouldn’t harp on that because I don’t really plan on changing it, at least not today. Always possible that I fill you in…maybe in June.

Maybe outside of June.

Kind of like the Hokey Pokey where you put it in and take it out and then shake it…all about.

Good times, huh. 🙂

Still Posting

Some of you keep asking if I am still around and the answer is damn right I am.

Yeah, I haven’t updated in a long while but I am here now and thinking about the best way to share some stories with you.

Thinking about how I wound up taking a spiral staircase up into the sky and made the mistake of getting off on the wrong landing.

Or maybe it is more accurate to say I forgot to mark the exit and got lost in the woods.

Spent a lot of time wandering until I found an elevator that I thought would take me home and discovered it didn’t.

Years later people found me and offered to guide me back to where I had been but I refused because I had already figured out the way back.

But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go or if I was ready, so I didn’t.

Ghosts Are Real

The echoes of the past reach into the present teaching us that ghosts are more real than we once thought.

Or maybe what we call ghosts ought to be called something else.

Rising from the depths of consciousness we return to where we once stood to begin anew.

Fat Hunters Continued

So this fat middle aged hunter waddles into his truck and wonders if his wife has noticed his dick gets lost in the rolls of fat between his belly and his groin.

He shrugs it off and figures that a big truck and gun will make up for the shortcomings between his legs.

The poor slob remembers a time when he wasn’t portly but also remembers he couldn’t get most women to pay any attention to him, at least not in the way he wanted.

Some would be friendly but only the biggest losers would give him real time.

Eventually one took mercy upon him but she was never very good to him and would rarely put out.

It made him into angry and sometimes abusive prick or maybe that was just his natural state, not that he was ever introspective.

One day he met a woman through his children’s school and got excited because she was friendly.

She made him feel funny, kind of like his mother used to make him feel funny when she gave him a bath.

Not that he wanted to think about that because she didn’t stop bathing him until he was 17.

Mama’s boy was going to be the pride of grapeland.

Anyway, this new friend made him happy because she didn’t run and scream when he showed up. She wasn’t afraid like those other girls had been and that made him possessive.

He began to think he could get her for himself and started to plan for it. Each day his deepset piggy eyes would focus on her picture and imagine what it would be like to have her.

And each day his fat little hands would curl up into fat fists because he knew there was another man.

It made him angry and played upon his insecurities to think about this other man who didn’t need a truck or gun to prove his masculinity.

He just was and that was unfair to the fat hunter, so he sat back and plotted.

 

 

 

 

Meat Heads

Ever notice how fat, dumb and stupid men never recognize when they’re being played.

Maybe if they pulled their fat asses out of hunting blinds and got some exercise it would be different.

Be a man and fight the deer/boat with your hands or a brief.

An Empty Nest

There are moments which lend themselves to spending time with people that you haven’t seen in person in quite some time.

Got a bunch of people enjoying empty nest time now, maybe that encourage them to getting together.

The Difference Between

I know the difference between dreams, wishes, and realities. Can tell you I have drunk deeply from each and that there have been moments where I lived the dream.

Have tried very hard to get a shot at seeing if that dream I lived ever so briefly could come back.

That is not wishing for a return to the past but for an opportunity for a future. May never come, might not ever get the opportunity. If that is how it goes I’ll figure it out cuz that is what I do.

Some air is sweeter to breathe than other and if that is how it goes, well maybe I’ll be like others and come up with reasons to be angry and maybe I won’t. Can’t say for certain until I am in certain positions.

Ain’t life a dandy experience filled with peachy moments.

Quick Change

Sitting in the hotel room waiting for the girls to finish their make up, I look out the window and ponder the big questions of my life.

I’d share them now but the bathroom is now free and it’s time to get ready.

It’s a big day and I’m excited.

Step On A Rake

Sometimes you snicker at the thought that a chunky attorney will step on a rake and get smacked in the face…hard.

Or you hope that during his next hunting trip he decides to take a dump out in the bush and accidentally sticks his ass in a cactus that happens to rest upon poison ivy/oak because you’d giggle your ass off at the thought of his dumb redneck ass having to figure out how to deal with that.

You can add all sorts of other ridiculous ideas like hoping he craps blood, gets lice and gets all sorts of unpleasant experiences because his dumb, nosy ass deserves all that and more.

But mostly you like the idea of looking him in the eye and telling him to go fuck himself because you know things he wishes he did.

Repulsive

He couldn’t put his finger on what made the dumb lawyer repulsive to him. It wasn’t just that he stuck his nose where it didn’t belong or that he was among those you would classify as intelligently stupid.

Nor was it his schlatterish manner and approach.

He had no doubt the dummy was trying to get the pants off of a particular woman.

That was probably it.

That was probably what irked him.

That and the dumb look on his face.

It wasn’t nice and it wasn’t right, but that dumb look and his overall manner just chapped his hide.

A slimy Eddie Haskell type thing.

Might have been willing to give him a chance, but the dope thought he was entitled to poke around where he wasn’t invited.

Losers had a way of doing that.

Dumb Lawyers

Looks like a dumb lawyer has been sniffing around where they shouldn’t be sniffing.

Reading posts in places they shouldn’t know about unless they made a lucky guess or were told.

I am rooting for lucky guess because it would be really disappointing if they were told. It is certainly possible I am wrong about the IP address.

I hope that is the case and I am just overreacting because my stress level is somewhere close to nuclear.

Funny thing is that place hardly gets updated so if they were looking for secret information there is nothing recent to find.

But like I said, I might be wrong. It might not be who I think in which case I would have to apologize for jumping.

 

One Up & One Down

I feel like the walking dead. Got one who is miserable and floundering and one who is floating. The usual parade of idiots offering dumb ideas as if no one else could have possibly thought or tried them.

Could all change tomorrow. Could all get better or I could drop dead of a heart attack. 800 degrees outside, I bet I lost 7 pounds.

If I could run and hide I would, but I don’t know how to do that. Barely know how to ask for help, let alone quit.

Well, that is why some people call me crazy.

True Fear

You never know true fear until something happens to one of your children.

Here I sit, wondering and waiting and thinking about all the things done and could have been done.

It is a crazy world and it is hard to say where it leads.

Hope is your best friend and your worst enemy.

Just Tell A Story

I keep wrestling with iMovie. That is because I am working on a video montage for my daughter and I want it to be good.

I want it to tell a story and I want it to have some pop and layers to it. I don’t want it to be some awful, cheesy family movie thing.

But I don’t want it to be so full of effects and polish that it looks fake.

It feels a bit like writing. Sometimes I feel like I am pretty good at it and sometimes I think I am just an awful hack.

LeBron The Overrated

Got quite a few people pissed off and annoyed with me because I said LeBron is overrated and suggested that his play in the leastern conference helped pad his stats.

Pushed back and yelled a bunch for being irked about the peasant when they didn’t vote and don’t do a damn thing to make Trumpzilla think twice about his evil deeds.

BTW, I give LeBron full credit for being a good human and doing good things with his wealth and fame. More people should and for that he deserves much praise.

Spent way too much time in Tyler and East Texas today. That will be my salvation or my doom.

Holy fuck, so much going on right now I can’t even tell you. Still not sure how I am holding on, but somehow I am.

It will get better, but I am going to spend more time dancing in the damn fire before that happens.

A Different Conversation

I’d have a different conversation. She’d be on her back or side and I’d be doing my thing.

Since this is a family blog we’ll say after she was red faced and smiling I’d have a short conversation with her.

If history is our guide it wouldn’t take much to bring about that smile because we have thousand of years/times of experience.

And if it never happened, well one day she would regret not giving herself the experience again.

Hell, she could try it in the name of science. It would be a simple way to prove some things.

Two hands, two fingers, two minutes.

An Oaf & A Dope

I saw comments from an oaf and a dope today and thought about engaging.

I am in a bit of a bad mood and so the idea of trolling the two idiots had some interest especially since their arrogance makes them myopic about many things.

But even though it might have been momentarily enjoyable to tweak the dumb and dumber I figured there was no real upside to it. No rewards come from that, no medals, no prizes and no benefit.

And even if there were it I don’t know that I would care enough to do so. Besides given my mood I am likely to go after anyone that looks sideways at me. Got no patience for stupidity or for ignorance.

Really in one of those burn all bridges and salt the earth moods.  About the end of my rope regarding some things, already told a few to go fuck themselves in ways that have finality.

I don’t like being fucked with and can’t stomach some of the bullshit I have been fed. I may be an idiot and a fool about some things, but those are my choices.

Try to force it upon me and I will stick my boot in your ass in a way that won’t be described as loving or inspirational.

Moving Is A Pain

Moving is a pain in the ass. I’ll be happy when this is done.

The good news is I am moving less than 10 miles, but I still have to pack, move, unpack and take care of a million little details.

Got to go back to Nordstrom to grab the new suit I bought, hit the barber to shave my head and then roll down to heritage and beyond.

Those aren’t really moving things but they are on the to do list and since no one is around to help I have to be diligent about making sure I get things done.

More posts here and elsewhere cuming soon.

Dinner & A Movie

Going to one of those fancy theaters to see Wonder Woman and have dinner. I hope it is good.

Figure I’ll come home with a cleared head and do some more writing. If I didn’t have the gym and a place to write I don’t know what I would do.

I just dump all the contents of my head onto the page, don’t care if it is good or bad. Don’t care what people think, it is just a place to vent and stay sane.

Intolerant & Cranky

I have been told I am intolerant and cranky.  Can’t say yes or no to cranky but definitely intolerant, but of specific things.

  • Almost anything Forrest Trump does or say.  He is dangerous, like a drunk in a china shop who somehow stumbled in and is too inebriated to walk out without crashing into things.
  • Bad sales people.
  • Bad customer service.
  • People who lie to my face.
  • People who don’t lie to my face but lie to me.
  • Liver- Awful.
  • Brussels Sprouts- Awful.

So very disappointing to see, hear and experience some things. I let a few people have it, need to do it to a few more.

Going to update everywhere else I write for no other reason than because I feel like it. Yeah, I am a man in dire need of something.

It happens.

 

How Did We Get Here

It is not really a question and not really a statement. It is something in between and I haven’t a clue how it happened.

I was paying attention, active and involved and yet it happened.

Sometimes I try to tell myself there is no point in beating myself up about it because I am not a mind reader and there would have been no way to do more without that ability.

It is not bullshit or something that allows me to escape responsibility because it is true and the fact is, I am not trying to escape anything.

I couldn’t escape it if I wanted to and so I sit here feeling a combination of sad and crazed because I can’t do any more than I have done.

People have to want to help themselves and you can’t do anything unless they want to change.

Aftermath

Not that anyone who reads this cares, but I pulled the damn rabbit out of my hat today.

Scratch that, it wasn’t magic that made things happen. It was me working my damn ass off and I am proud of myself.

Proud because it would have been easier to just give up and there were a lot of times when I wanted to.

A lot of times where I needed a hug and someone to say it would be alright because I wasn’t a hundred percent on things.

Sometimes this adulting thing is really fucking hard, but if you keep pushing sometimes good things happen.

Sometimes you reap the rewards of hard work. It is not all done and all better, but for now much of the pressure has diminished and that is worth a lot.

Aw Hell

Got a serious meeting tomorrow that I am not looking forward to. Done everything I can to prepare and am in good shape.

But I am still a little nervous because people are not always rational or logical and god knows how this could potentially spin in 18 different ways.

Am doing my best to be relaxed and calm, but I may not sleep very well. Kind of strange because that never used to be an issue, but these days…

Not Much To Be Done

The best part of being hospitalized over Memorial Day weekend is finding out you’ll spend more time there because your doc is on vacation.

Not much to be done about that, especially from a distance.

So we wait. Good times.

Parents & Choices

The joy of learning your father is in the ER isn’t mitigated by his having insisted you make certain choices or knowing that the choices you made are and were correct.

I sit here thinking about recent conversations and can’t believe how similar they are to conversations I had with his father.

Grandpa told me one day he’d lose the fight and that was ok with him, granted he was around 90 when he said it.

Dad has a long way to go before he turns 90…years.

But he has the same approach and said the same sort of thing to me that grandpa did. Can’t predict when, how or where, can only guarantee it will happen one day.

So I try not to feel any guilt about that or other choices I have made. Fact is, the guilt I feel about any is limited to one area and it is probably not what some think.

In the interim I try not to be irritated or angry with those I expected better from.  Haven’t demanded answers or pointed out significant inconsistencies. Just kept doing what I need to do in other areas and figure one day I’ll have answers.

The answer may be something similar to “you’ll never know why people do as they do” or it may be something else.

Can’t wait, can’t worry.

I know who I am. What I want and what I feel.

Doesn’t mean others have or don’t have similar ideas.

We are who we are.

All I can do is my best and hope it works. That is not real reassuring because hope is not a strategy, but make do with what you have and who you have and that is how you deal.

Ride The Wave

Been dealing with all sorts of craziness and as usual been dealing with it on my own.

Part of me prefers that because I am not interested in listening to excuses and 8 million reasons for why or how people can’t get things done.

But it does get tedious and there are moments where I wish I could get the kind of help I could rely upon

I am tired, real tired of trying to surf and or swim through/with the damn tsunami.

The good news is that I am this much closer to the shore, but the bad news is it is still far enough away to require real work.

Guess I’ll keep plugging away and see what happens.

Disappointed

Been thinking a bit about this and can only say I am disappointed and maybe a bit hurt.

Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised or feel anything, but sometimes you expect when more when you have been through a lot.

Doesn’t mean this is how it always will be nor that I will hold my breath waiting for a change because I can’t just float in limbo.

But I can acknowledge my feelings and that will have to be enough.

Big Scary Man

It is apparent that some people see me as a big scary man and who can blame them because I am the scariest of the scary.

If you jinx sports teams I can understand why you might be worried, cuz I can remove that jinx and do a lot more. Really. 🙂

A Lot Of Work

Looks like the new house is done, just have to finalize the details. Got to arrange movers, packing, utilities, internet, TV and all that other crap.

I am excited but it requires a fuckload of work, that is a technical term, fuckload.

It is bigger than a boatload and more complicated.

My head hurts just thinking about it all. Kind of want to make like a bear and hibernate for about 25 years.

Won’t be missed by many and by the time I rise I won’t have to worry about some of this crap.

Conversations & Friends

Sometimes you miss having conversations with friends, especially those you have considered to be the closest and most important people in your life.

Truth is I miss being close and would like to have that again. More on this later…maybe,

Basketball

Funny to see how some people who never had any interest in sports developed one over time.

Funnier still to watch my archnemesis team get destroyed by another. If I rooted for the team that gave them the shellacking it might be more fun, but it is not bad to see them get hammered.

Speaking of getting hammered and or pounding things, well I can think of a few that could use a good pounding.  I’d be more specific but I think I have been clear enough as it is.

Fun With Policeman

Had an unexpected and unplanned encounter with an officer today and got out of a ticket by flashing my cleavage.

Ok, it was all words and I am grateful he let me off with a warning. Actually led to a pretty damn good day.

Interesting thing is he asked me to promise to use that moment of good fortune to make it a good day and I assured him I would.

I did and well, it worked.

Now to send a ketchup sandwich to someone in dire need of it or search for a different way to give it.

Updating All Over

Updating blogs, resumes and all sorts of stuff.

Might make some changes and might not, never know for certain which way the wind blows in some areas.

Looking for a house in the same general area I am in now because I am not going backwards. Well, if someone offered about $250k I might have to consider it…maybe.

Lost too much when I left last time, not doing it again.

Focusing my energy and will upon goals. Got to eat dinner and then update TheJackB and everywhere else.

Asked For Help

Looked up at the sky and asked the universe for help. Don’t really expect to get it, but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

Then again I have asked 40 different ways and not gotten a yes. Haven’t decided if I want to ask a 42.

But I am certain there is more truth in “when you think of me, I am thinking of you” than some people will admit.

Doesn’t really matter in some ways, but then again…

Gah, the only thing I know for certain is I am built to keep going, even when the whole fucking world tries to push back.

Not bragging, just commenting, Want to just lie down and say enough, but I surrender doesn’t seem to work any better than trying to move forward.

So fuck it, might as well try.

Argh

Thought I had found a great place to live, but it is looking like it won’t work. Got a potential backup place but that is not quite what I want.

Really would like something that has at least 2.5 baths and is a house or townhouse.

Can’t believe the kind of crazy crap that is going on with all of this. If it was just a house it would be one thing, but it is not.

It is a bunch and it makes me wonder how I haven’t just melted down. Hard to figure out what to do, let alone the right thing to do.

Feels a bit like I am lost and then again not lost.

Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck.

The best part is doing it all alone.

But I will get to the other side and it will get better.  Parts are pretty good already, just need to figure this other stuff.

In dire need of a hug or something.