Fans

Some of my biggest ‘fans’ show up here to read my words. Kind of makes me scratch my head because they are illogical, unreasonable and a pain-in-the-ass.

But then again I can ignore people with the best of them and you never know when I may choose to start or if I’ll have more fun poking at them because two can play the double standard game.

Or maybe I won’t because I am too freaking crazed with my own crap to spend much time doing anything other than try to survive.

Pulled off a decent win tonight and a couple from earlier this week. Work folk made me angry and I decided to take it out by being relentless about a few things.

Was asked if I ever give up and I said only when I am ready to. That is not totally true, I have been known to let go of stuff far sooner, but they don’t need to know that.

When you poke the bear you need to get bit or bent over and dealt with.

Gah, ready for some smoother sailing, it is coming but it is not easy.

Long Week

Been a long week and it is not over yet.

Birthday wasn’t particularly good, mostly because of external crap that happened and was beyond my control.

Wasn’t horrible, but was sort of lonely.

Fortunately I am not one of those people who expects birthdays to automatically be amazing just because it is my birthday.

Got a lot of birthday greetings on Facebook and thought about writing a post about how it is kind of a sad way to receive greetings. I didn’t do it because didn’t want people to see it as a bitter and ungrateful thing.

Because it is kind of cool and fun to get a birthday greeting from such a broad snapshot of people in your life.

But it is also nice to get something more than an FB greeting from the important people. Nice to see some people make an effort to make sure you know you are important.

Still, I like to try and give the benefit of the doubt to people because you never know what kind of challenges they’re facing.

Most people have no clue about the crazy shit going on in my world and those who do understand why I sometimes disappear or am not quite myself.

Very Disappointing

Was reminded today about how disappointing some people can be. I ought not be surprised but I am and I was.

People show you who they are all the time. Sometimes there is a legitimate excuse and sometimes you just need to open your eyes.

What Will Be

My head is spinning with ideas about what might be and what actually is. I see visions of people and places and am tempted to dare them to take a chance and do so.

I see visions of people and places and am tempted to dare them to take a chance and do so.

I won’t beg or plead but I might dare them to kiss me and see what happens. Might tell them the heart doesn’t forget what the brain pretends to ignore.

And then I look out at the mess inside this place and wonder what the hell I am doing because the storm has erupted and I am standing in the middle of it.

No one with good sense should join me, but if they lack sense and go with that crazy urge maybe they’ll take my hand and see what happens.

Or maybe they won’t.

I am a dreamer of big dreams and a realist.

I am a man who is looking for a new place to live that isn’t that far from where I live now, but is bigger because it has to be.

A guy who is riding the storm and doing his best not to drown, who has accepted he cannot control anything but can only do his best to steer his ship.

You can love me or not love me. I can only be who I am and do my best to accept my own limitations and those others operate under.

I am scared of getting what I want and scared I won’t.

But I am not scared to take a chance or I wouldn’t be where I am. Lord knows where I’ll be in a month or two, all could be different.

I stand under the moon and let the rain wash down upon me and the sun to highlight my sins and my virtues.

I sing my song not knowing if any will sing the chorus with me but confident all will be as it should…eventually.

And now a mix of music.

Mr. Blue Sky

Surrender

The Air That I Breathe

As Time Goes By

Fox On The Run

Kentucky Rain

Kathy’s Song

Late In The Evening

One final note, people stare at you when they catch you dancing in your car to Late In The Evening.

I Am Not Ok

People ask me if I am ok but I rarely say what I really think.

I am not ok.

It is not a permanent thing and I will be ok, but I am not ok.

Not good.

I know what I need to do to fix and or improve some of it and am doing all that can be done but some of it is beyond me.

Already made it clear that I could use more help and it will or won’t come in. Won’t beg, cry or whine about it.

Said my piece and will focus on what I can because I can’t do more. Help will come or it won’t.

People will respond or they won’t.

Hard decisions coming soon and perhaps harder ones down the path.

It is not good and I am not good.

So I come here and vent a bit and then do what I can to make things work.

I will ok, but I am ok today.

Radical Honesty

Been thinking about writing someone a letter to someone say I miss them.

We have been as close as two people can be and had our ups and downs. Hell and back again is a fair description.

When we choose to communicate we have had deeper and more intimate conversations than anyone else we have ever known. At least we told each other that, hasn’t changed for me, might have for them.

Can’t know for certain, but I have my suspicions.

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what to do there and sometimes I just don’t. Can’t figure out what to trust, head or heart.

Tend to think I trust my heart but follow my head as a way to protect it. Will ultimately be ok no matter what happens because I am built to last.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss them or that sometimes I really fucking miss them.

Could pick up the phone, but haven’t because I have tried to respect their wishes. They might say thank you for that or call me an idiot and say I should have ignored it.

Thing is there is so much happening now I am on overload and so I have been compartmentalizing because I can’t sit back and analyze everything.

I just have to push through this stuff and hope I am right. Not easy, hope is not a strategy but sometimes it is all you have got.

Maybe I’ll get a sign or something that makes it cool to connect. Maybe I’ll find out they miss me too.

Radical honesty is rough because it makes you vulnerable and you don’t always want that because you fear what could happen.

But sometimes you take a chance or write a stupid blog post saying you miss someone.

Some Days

Some days all you want is a hug and someone you can talk to who won’t take the time to lecture you about what you could or should have done.

Just listen and be supportive.

And Now

Today at the MLBF resort studios we are here to tell you that today was a motherfucker of a day and not even close to the way we like it.

Today was a day in which a barbed pole was roughly inserted into a place it doesn’t belong and we haven’t decided if we are angry because we didn’t get the reach around or kiss we thought we deserve.

So we silently said “fuck you” and “fuck you too” to a variety of people and considered whether it was time to tell some others to “go fuck themselves” for their heinous behavior.

Shit happens, but it doesn’t mean it is accepted or tolerated nor viewed as anything but an anomaly.

Time to break some rules and maybe some arms.

Reminders

I keep listening and watching this because it makes sense.

Been a lot of naysayers around lately, a lot of people who try to tell me no or suggest I am a fool for what I am trying to do.

Fuck ’em, I will go through, around, over or under. People who get in the way will not like it when they encounter me, haven’t got time to do more than ask them to move once.

I’ll be polite and then I won’t.

Dresses & Beatings

Took at look at the previous post and thought about the beatings. Took a look somewhere else and saw a woman in a dress aand forgot the beating.

Thought about the dress and the woman and played around with a few ideas I won’t share here. 🙂

Remembered the beating and wondered if there isn’t a way to make everything work out as I hope. Decided there is, but can’t say for certain because we only get so much control over things, but who knows.

Stranger things than this have happened, sometimes hope and a dream can be enough…

A Good Beating

Someone told me that things sound like they are pretty rough. I smiled and said I am taking a good beating and they said it didn’t sound pleasant.

I said it wasn’t and then explained I am surviving.

“What does that mean?”

I offered the following as a sort of explanation.

“The worst part of a fist fight to me isn’t necessarily getting hit. I don’t like it, but I hate the anticipation, wondering what might happen and whether it will really hurt. Once I get hit the anticipation goes away because I know what it feels like and I adjust.”

Can’t say they told totally understood, but I think they mostly got it.

What is going on right now is sort of an old-fashioned ass kicking but I give as good as I get, if not better.

I don’t want to say I have a handle on it all because I don’t, but I have a pretty good grip and most of the time I feel like it is getting better.

But there are moments that are heartbreaking and there is a dull ache that doesn’t want to go away.

Won’t be like this forever, just have to keep pushing forward. Would be nice to get some help and more than a hug.

But hell, even a hug or two would go a long way.

Regardless of what happens I am going to press on, can’t stare at the fog, have to walk into and through.

Brass Knuckles Not Needed

Not particularly happy about having to get on another plane but at least it is a quick trip.

Since I am not going be flying United brass knuckles are not needed. That is a good thing.

Wish this was done and over with because I have to deal with some crazy ass personal stuff that seems to be never ending.

A simple life would be nice but I don’t think simple is an option. However bat shit crazy shouldn’t be the default either.

I’ll get things situated and settled, but damn it would be nice to have some support.

Who Can You Trust?

Lately my biggest question revolves around who I can ask for help and who I can trust to be there for me.

It is kind of frustrating because there is stuff going on and it feels like it is me, myself and I taking on the world.

Not that I can’t handle things and figure out solutions, but it is hard to do it all on your own.

And that is what it feels like, I am on my own.

Nothing Makes Sense

Nothing makes sense and yet part of me feels like he sees the road ahead with perfect clarity.

The mix of fear, anger and inner peace that is tied into this feeling of certainty is a crazy contradiction but it makes sense…sort of.

An idea was borne of experience knowing that sometimes you can sit with some people and pick up exactly where you left off, even if everything has changed.

It sounds crazy and some people would accuse those who held on to it of not being in their right mind but so what.

People used to say that anyone who believed the earth is round or that man could travel to the moon was nuts.

Crazy isn’t always crazy, sometimes it is just unproven.

A Circle Of Anger

Kind of funny to realize I am fucking furious with someone who I thought was concerned about my welfare and yet I am also ambivalent and forgiving of their behavior.

It almost makes sense…almost.

I am standing in the middle of a fucking storm and the only reason I haven’t collapsed is because I am too stubborn or too fucking stupid to recognize when it is time to seek shelter.

That is not hype or bravado, it is just me calling it the way I see it. Can’t give up because I am too close to making it to the other side but it is not hyperbole to say I am getting my ass beaten like a drum.

But the best part of having survived the other stuff I have been through is I have learned a few things.

Funny thing is in some ways this is clearly the worst I have been through and the hardest moments yet that past experience proves this will past.

But it is really fucking hard and just when I think I am close chaos is unleashed and I don’t know if I am close to the eye of the storm or just on the edges.

Won’t bother asking for help or support because it is not going to come, this just me and I have to figure it out. One thing I know, when I come out the other side I will be changed again.

Fear

I keep acknowledging fear and discomfort. Keep thinking if I do that things will be easier, but thus far, hasn’t worked very well.

Just reminds me I am scared and nervous, but I’ll suck it up and keep going ‘cuz what other options are there.

Fear Of What

He looked in the mirror and wondered what he feared most.

Was it being dead wrong or absolutely right.

Didn’t know what he was waiting for other than this gut feeling that told him it wasn’t quite the time. Had you asked him to tell you when that would change or what it was he was waiting for he would have shook his head.

Had you asked him to tell you when that would change or what it was he was waiting for he would have shook his head.

Not because he didn’t want to say but because he didn’t know and hoped that whatever feeling he was following wouldn’t lead him astray.

He missed the times when he could be certain of things but figured uncertainty wasn’t such a bad thing. Time would come when the world would spin again.

One Day

One day I am going to have to have that honest, no holds barred conversation and see where I end up.

One day I am going to have to stop pushing it off because there is never a good time and it is going to wreak havoc whenever it happens.

One day isn’t a useful way to look at things because all it does is push off the inevitable and the necessary to a different time.

Soon, we’ll make it soon because it is the only way change can come and it has to.

Time Slip

Going back in time today, ok not really, but when I land, I’ll be hours behind where I am now.

Travel wears me out a bit, I like doing it but it is a mixed bag. Dysfunctional digestive system has its ups and downs.

Thinking about this post over here.

This Is Not Real

I was going to say this is not a real blog but that would be incorrect because it is a real blog and this is a real post.

But it is not real in the sense that you are not going to find my really good writing here because this is just a placeholder a spot I use to encourage you to head over to TheJackB where my writing lives and breathes on a different level.

Been Flying Through Space

Haven’t updated here in a good long while, but that happens when you are playing rocket man.

But I have been around, haunting other places like here:

Read Or Don’t

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Been one hell of a ride and run since last May and though the pace has slowed in some ways it feels like it is just getting started.

So I sit here staring out the window and trying to envision what is going to come next and how to best manage it all.

I know I haven’t updated this place much but if you look below it will provide you with a decent list of posts you can use to try and catch up on.

Back Into The Breach

Promotion came through and now the crazy time is just as crazy but more enjoyable,

Got a short window to find movers, get all my stuff together and send it on its way to the next stop.

Funny thing is I don’t have a new place to live picked out yet, but I expect to soon. Very excited and a little bit nervous, but in a good way.

Speed Packing

Doing a little speed packing to get my shit together for coming trips, bigger moves and all  of the other crazy stuff that has suddenly materialized in my life.

Holy fuck, crazy time has arrived.

30 Posts Worth Reading

  1. I Double Space After Periods
  2. It’s About How You Love
  3. Why Are Clowns Sexier Than Mimes?
  4. Unfriended…Again
  5. What Is The Proper Length For A Blog Post
  6. A Confession About The Secrets We Share
  7. An Angry Man Meets An Angry Father
  8. A Father’s Wisdom
  9. Read This Post Or The Rabbit Dies
  10. Can You Live With What You Have Done?
  11. Confessions Of The Heart Breaker/Heart Broken
  12. Who’s Got Your Back
  13. The Myth Of Controlled Chaos
  14. The Wrong Reason To Blog
  15. Almost True Tales Of Fatherhood & Other Stuff
  16. There Is A Rhythm To Writing
  17. About Your Aging Parents
  18. Teenagers Are Harder Than Toddlers
  19. What Kind Of Writer Could You Be?
  20. Sometimes You Fight The Devil…Inside
  21. Secrets of The Dad Blogger Cliques & Mommy Blogger Cartels
  22. Facebook Unlikes You
  23. Find The 5 People Who Set Your Soul On Fire
  24. Parenting & The Limits Of Communication
  25. The Last Words Of A Dying Man
  26. “Proof” That Father Knows Best
  27. So What? (When You Skim You Lose)
  28. The Hardest Part of Parenting
  29. Some Writers Ignore The Oscars
  30. You Can’t Fear Failure

Sometimes you have to stay busy or face reality.

WTF

That is what I keep asking myself. Sometimes the challenges that come with children are exhausting. Just nutty.

Longer, better posts available at TheJackB.

This place is just for quick blurbs and comments like, teenagers are *(((#@@R hard.

Busy Days

Been a busy March, filled with a lot of chaos and more than a few moments of confusion.

But we are almost through and my record of surviving every bad day I have ever had is still a 100 percent.

Still too busy to write as much original content here as I would like to so I’ll have to share some more links:

A Leap Of Faith

That is the thought crossing through my mind, “take the leap of faith.”

Comes from a different thing, heard a voice saying “I saw our picture” and a feeling that a leap of faith would be the thing that made it happen.

Just not sure about the details,

If You Skip The Oscars

If you skip the Oscars and need something to read you could try More Than Heaven Will Allow or What Do Father’s Dream About?

You could think about where your lap goes when you stand up or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Or you could just check out these links:

Got to schedule time to see a dentist and my doc. Not looking forward to either. Damn.

Traveling Again

Normally I don’t leave for business trips on a Sunday but I changed my ways for today.

That’s because my day starts early Monday morning and I’d rather leave today so that I can be rested in the morning.

Otherwise I’d be out the door before 6 AM which means I would have to wake up around 4 AM to be ready for it all and I just don’t feel like it.

Better to give up a piece of my Sunday for more sleep.

And now it is time to do more writing on some of my other blogs. See you in a bit.

What You Might Have Missed

Still Blogging All Over

As I mentioned in the prior post I am still blogging all over, including the new Medium blog but old Jack is still primarily focused at TheJackB.

If you are not spending time over there here is a list of links:

Resting

Went hard and fast every day this week, collapsed on Thursday night.

Not literally, but close enough. Got home from the airport, ate dinner and fell asleep in my favorite chair.

Four hours later I woke up, listened to some music and went back to sleep.

Friday morning and afternoon have been very slow paced, been very deliberate in my actions and movements.

Wrote a few things, did some work.

Reminded myself to breathe.

Good things coming.

What do you see

Packing

I have never been a big fan of packing, even for short trips like the one I am about to leave on.

Even when I bring the ‘perfect’ amount of stuff I almost always feel like something is missing, at least until the plane takes off at which point I figure there is no point in making myself crazy about what I forgot, if I forgot anything.

More often than not I can buy a replacement when I get to my destination.

Don’t know if I will be able to update this or any of the other blogs so if you are in need of more reading material try clicking here or here.

Furious Isn’t Quite The Word

Furious isn’t really the appropriate word nor is rage or frustration.

It is all of them and none of them at the same time. Not entirely sure why and maybe that is part of the issue.

Or maybe it is just a triple dose of frustration about fighting the same battles over and over again and feeling like there is no one that has my back.

Most days it doesn’t bother me, I don’t have to have the help, it is nice when it is there but not necessary, but every now and then…

I suppose what I really need is a few moments of quiet and the ability to finish what I am doing without being interrupted 198 times.

Making Time To Write

I need to figure out a better way to make time to write than these hit and run posts like this one or throwing something onto Medium and adding a couple of lines and a different headline than on the main blog.

Don’t get me wrong, I like being able to test out the new headlines and see significant value in it, but it is not enough, it doesn’t compensate for not writing the way I want and need to.

Too busy to write isn’t a good excuse, it is part of why my heart and soul ache.

So I will find time, even if it means less sleep. If you want to make things happen you have to do what is required.

And here is a link to all sorts of other links, some good posts there…

Unexpected Surprises

I never planned on watching it, not sure if I had ever heard of it before the week I saw it.

Can’t tell you what made me decide to record it other than it just seemed appropriate.

And then I watched it and I got it. Wouldn’t expect everyone to feel the same or appreciate it and it wouldn’t matter if they did.

Some experiences are shared and some aren’t.

What If

Keep hearing a lot of talk about what if this and what if that.

I have answers to most what ifs that are sent my direction and they all stem from being focused on not missing opportunity’s knock.

And The Schedule Changes

Nothing like a bomb threat to force you to change your schedule and routine up.

Good times, better safe than sorry, but damn it threw a monkey wrench into plans.

Had planned on updating all the blogs, will have to do a couple of them later tonight.

Most recent posts

Writing All Over

That is really what I have been doing, writing all over. Been updating all of the blogs and just writing stories on word docs that no one will ever see.

Well, that may not be true. I might eventually decide to share one or a piece of one but I am not sure that any of them are good enough to be shared.

Some of them don’t quite hit the mark and so…

Looking Skyward

Sometimes you look skyward because you are at a loss for words and sometimes it is because you need a moment to compose yourself and don’t think to look backwards.

Or maybe it is neither of those, maybe you just don’t know what to do or say so you look up praying that answers to your questions will magically be poured into your head.

Sometimes I listen to music and I feel the beat and sometimes I feel the words, but sometimes I feel them both and am taken away to some other place.

Youth is wasted on the young.

Most recent posts

On The Lighter Side

Got all sorts of work to do on TheJackB, like updating this page and trying to make sure the whole thing works more effective and efficiently than it is now.

Don’t get me wrong, it seems to be working well, but it could be better. Never hurts to work on improving.

Secrets and stories for your review.

Nothing of Substance Yet

Parts and pieces I might use for a story.

“If music be the food of love, play on,
Give me excess of it; that surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.”
― William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

“Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?”
― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. ~ J. K. Rowling

I know I am but summer to your heart,
And not the full four seasons of the year. ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

We are not the same person this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

Love is a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better. ~ William Shakespeare

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.”
― Elie Wiesel

“Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.”
― Albert Camus

“The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science.”
― Albert Einstein, The World As I See It

Haven’t decided if these will end up in some over here, but they might.

It’s Not About Sheep

ba ba ba ba ba ba ab ba ba ba ba ba ba ba….
I’m sleeping
and right in the middle of a good dream,
and all at once I wake up
from something that keeps knocking at my brain.
Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head
and spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread:

This song always makes me smile.

Rewards For Hard Work

Been busting my ass at double or triple speed lately and have less to show than when I was doing…less.

Not sure if it is a mild hiccup or something more. Based upon what I see around me I am inclined to say it is hiccup and that the work I am doing now will pay off later.

Sometimes it is hard to be patient and not go nuts when you don’t see the rewards you want from your hard work.

Speaking of hard work, I am barely finding time to write, but I am still doing it.

Why So Serious?

Every  time someone asks me why I am so serious I wonder what they would say if they knew that some people ask me if I am ever serious.

Sometimes I really like pushing the envelope just to see how far I can go. Call it silly, juvenile or Fred, doesn’t really matter to me. I just like doing what I can to have fun.

Life is filled with lots of serious moments, might as well do our best to enjoy the less serious moments with as much frequency as possible.

Much More To Say

Got all sorts of ideas and things to talk about, much, much more to say but lack of time to do it now.

Been pretty happy with what is happening over here, think I’ll write some more later on tonight or tomorrow, maybe both days.

Not easy to maintain as many blogs as I have, but I do my best.

Deep In The Archives

I don’t look at my stats the way I used to.  Don’t ignore them entirely but I don’t spend much time reviewing how many people came by, what they read and all that other stuff I used to do.

In theory I could and should because it would help me tailor my posts to meet the needs/wants of my readers more closely.  It is a sensible way to grow a blog, but at the moment I just don’t have the time to do that so I would rather just write.

Still every now and then I’ll grab a look just to see what people are staring at.

Today I found someone had been looking at Just a Kiss-You are My Air. It is ten years old and it reminded me how little I knew about blogging then.

Back then I wrote fast and furiously, often updating four or five times per day. Didn’t think about deep linking, copyrights or page analysis.

I just wrote and if people commented it was great and if they didn’t it didn’t matter because the value of a blogger wasn’t based upon number of shares, followers or any of the metrics we use now.

It was just writing/blogging and you liked it, or you didn’t. There was no need for stuff like

But everything changes, can’t step in the same river twice. Doesn’t mean you can’t swim in it again, just means if you go away for a while it will be a different place in some ways.

A Fragment That Was Never Used

Sometimes The Wichita Lineman catches me off guard, something about the song touches a nerve and electric shocks course through me.

Can’t tell you what it is about the song that does it, I just know that every time I hear it I feel like there is something wrapped inside the words that I need to catch, some kind of message.

It is not logical or rational and that is problematic because it makes me think that I am kidding myself about what I think I hear or see.

But that is the thing, when I hear it and think that there is some sort of message in it I almost feel like I can see whomever or whatever is trying to send me this message.

It is flash in the corner of my eye, movement that is just enough to catch my eye I am never fast enough to see what or who it is.

And that makes me shake my head and wonder.

It Is About Spare Cash

Got some people complaining about sponsored posts on the main blog.  It is all about the spare cash, really that is why I do it.

It is enough to cover some gifts, a few other odds and ends, the mansion and other things I want but don’t need.

There may or may not be some exaggeration there, but not as much as you might think. Work it right and the sponsored posts cover blogging fees and provide Chanukah gifts.

Loving my new car.

The Car Saga

Exhausted, simply exhausted but happy. Picked out a car, waiting for delivery. Pretty cool stuff.

Most recent posts

Stifled

Feeling a bit like someone is trying to stifle me and growing impatient with ticky tack bullshit behavior.

Figure I’ll tell them once that I am intolerant of this kind of nonsense and let them know that is the only time I’ll say it. If I have to do it again it will be ugly.

Sometimes people mistake silence for acceptance and or misunderstand what happens how to respond to not being acknowledged. If I don’t acknowledge you it probably means I don’t think you are worth the time.

If you insist on trying to find a way to get me to respond you’ll eventually learn I go from zero to 60 in seconds.

But you’ll probably still be confused at why it feels like it was a nuclear blast and not something soft and sweet.

Another Hit & Run

Been way too busy lately. Life is pulling me in 983,883 directions so I have had to work extra hard to find a few minutes to sit down and write.

Most of the stuff going on would fall into the positive side of the scorecard. Job is moving and things are looking like they might really take off.

Been car shopping and have come close to picking out the new ride, biggest question is trying to decide between an SUV and a sedan, might even dip my toes into the old luxury market, trying to decide if it is really necessary or if I can get all I want within the standard market.

Had a few moments that reminded me that many people suck and not in the ways we want. Wasn’t particularly surprising nor all that disappointing which I guess means I accepted that I have to have my own back because no one else will.

Not really a problem, kind of my preference. Makes life a lot easier.  If all continues as it is going now I’ll see some big rewards that I can attribute to the work and effort I have put in and that is  worth a lot to me.

Recent Posts

Wrestling With Tech

Got a new theme that is making me a bit crazy because it is not “lining” up the way it is supposed to.  Haven’t figured out if some plugins aren’t playing nicely or what. Buggy coding somewhere is my guess, some QC would be helpful.

In the midst of it all been test driving cars and trying to nail down what I want, got a couple front runners.

Hope to update the other blogs later tonight…maybe.

Recent Posts

Ways To Waste Time

Spent five hours working on a project on which I received little to no guidance.  If I were a manager I’d do my best to do more than pay lip service to “training” and “explaining” how certain things should be done.

The amount of time you save because you shout a few words at someone isn’t worth the bad feelings that are created for you and for them.

It bears noting that if I felt good about the work I turned in and didn’t wonder if it would be kicked back to me I would be more relaxed. Kind of frustrating to say the least.

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A Man Of Few Words

I met someone at a family party a few weeks ago that I didn’t particularly care for.  They were one of those know-it-all types who makes a point to try to prove how much smarter they are and how much more life experience they have.

While I am never afraid to engage with these people I try hard not to because there is rarely any sort of upside or benefit to doing so.

The party was no exception.

He spent his time telling everyone who would listen who they should vote for in the next election and why.

Midway through the evening he tried to get me to agree that his position was correct but I refused.

“The election is too far away for me to worry about who I am voting for. Let’s see who the candidates are.”

“You are a man of very few words.”

I looked at him and said I had a couple that might be appropriate for the moment. He asked me what they might be and I said “dumb and dumber” came to mind as did “vapid,” “dunce” and “moron.”

For a moment I thought he might recognize that I was referring to him and then the second was gone because he was off to the races again about the candidates.

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And The Days Roll By

Friday morning has arrived and I can barely remember the week. Concerns me to see so much time has passed and to feel like I got so little out of it.

I know that really isn’t the case, but sometimes it is hard to recall all that happened. Makes me wonder if I paid close enough attention to all that came and went.

Adjusting The Plan(s)

I had planned on updating all of my blogs today. Made sure I arranged and organized my day so that I could do so and then a tech snafu screwed that one up.

I had to laugh at this one because it came not long after I told my son that sometimes you have to be ready to adjust your plan(s) because what you intended or wanted to do won’t work for reasons that you can’t control.

It can be frustrating, but it does make life interesting sometimes.

Not Quite Vertigo

I have had this strange feeling for two days now that I can only describe as not quite vertigo. Not really sure what it is or how it came about, just know it is irritating.

Very peculiar, it has slowed me down…marginally, primarily because I wasn’t sure about driving because I felt off.

But when I stood up and started moving I realized I wasn’t dizzy, just off. So I powered through it and I suppose I’ll do it again.

Wish I knew more specifics for how to make it just go away, but my guess is that it will regardless of what I do. Just one of those things, doesn’t matter all that much, as long as the kids aren’t impacted no one will care.

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Force of Will

There are moments when I know that what is happening around me is nothing more than luck and circumstance and others where I know a combination of hard work and force of will is responsible.

Today is one of those days where I can pat myself on the back for sticking it out and refusing to quit.

Need to write more about it, think I will later.

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Make Hay When The Sun Shines

Things are moving for me now in the right direction and I am very pleased with what I see. Hard work and determination go a long way.

So I am enjoying the benefits of my efforts but paying attention to the lay of the land because things can change quickly. It is why it is important to make hay while the sun shines.

Got stuff to do tonight, but with some luck I’ll get around to updating TheJackB in a short while. In the interim check these out:

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Physical Discomfort

There is something so nondescript and sterile about saying you have physical discomfort that I want to scream.

Probably because I haven’t felt like I am at operating at peak capacity for a long time now. Got a million niggling aches, pains and odds and ends messing with me but I haven’t been to the doctor.

Some of that is because for a long time I couldn’t afford to go and some of it is because I think much of this is in my head. It is because of time and position and a mind/heart that says ‘we are not going to pretend all is well because you are on the wrong path.’

The old head says to the mind/heart to STFU and cooperate because the best way to push and pull ourselves out and ahead of the crap is by working on all engines.

But those cranky motherfuckers know how it goes and they say that head will find an excuse to stay the course if all feels well so they refuse to concede their position.

So I am left to deal with the anger and frustration but maybe that is not a bad thing. Had to push some of that down for a long while because it wasn’t helping me, it was a hindrance and now I am in a place to handle it.

Now I can look at it, acknowledge and then tell it to fuck off and never bother me again.

Some of you won’t believe me, but there are very few things that I look back upon. I am pretty good at moving forward and forgetting about the past. If I look behind me there is usually a damn good reason, something that makes sense and requires my attention.

It is about not making the same mistake twice.

This current situation won’t last and the day is coming.

You Never Know

The bells went off in my head and I decided I was done with hearing them but feeling like I couldn’t do anything about them.

So I closed my eyes and said, “release me, release me, release me or remove the restrictions and allow me to do what I need to do unfettered and free.”

I don’t know what the outcome was or if those words had an impact. Can’t say whether the powers that be or do not be cared to acknowledge my cry.

I just know I made it and figured that it would or would not be answered but that regardless it would lead to something positive.

You never know.

Coast To Coast & Then Some

California, Florida and Texas all done in less than a week.

Too many miles and too little sleep but sometimes you push down on the accelerator and pray that your engine doesn’t blow and that your eyes don’t close.

And now I am back at the computer playing catch up, it is always fun being on the hamster wheel.

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Note To Self

Drinking Jagermeister and Red Bull is a great way to remind you that sometimes you should listen to the voice inside that screams don’t be stupid, you’re not 25.

Wasn’t drunk or buzzed, but the morning hurt. 

Snoring

Roommate snores like a bear, good guy but damn he is loud. Fortunately it’s only for a few days.

Just a few days of this is enough, prefer my own space but it’s not too bad. He is cool.

And we’re off, first session calls and so does coffee.

Time To Pack

It is time to pack. Got an early morning flight tomorrow.

I don’t like packing and I don’t like flying but I do what has to be done so that I can get myself to the place I picture. This is all part of the process, or so I convince myself. Will be gone until Saturday night so there might not be much new stuff here or there might.

Depends on how much free time I get and whether I feel like using alternative sources to blog with.

If you need more to read try:

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Or any of the posts listed here.

Comfortable Shoes

I wrote about comfortable shoes this morning and decided I really needed my own pair so off I went to Nordstrom.  I am now the proud owner of my first pair of Ecco shoes.

They cost a couple of bucks but I am a proponent of spending money on certain things like our feet not because of vanity but because if you treat your feet well your whole body will thank you.

I noticed the difference immediately and my feet, knees, hips and back thanked me.

*****

Been frustrated by how busy I have been because it has kept me from writing. Even though I am pretty damn good at what I do it doesn’t enable me to navigate the pitfalls and hurdles with the sort of ease I want.

If nothing changes that will but I have found that everything changes so I expect that as soon as I start to feel settled the world will start spinning harder and faster.

I anticipate some of that to happen in the next week or so because that is tied in with all sorts of movement and craziness and that is just how life works for me…sometimes.

My main complaint/concern is the impact upon my writing. I rarely find myself feeling like I am in a groove but I have felt pretty damn close to the thing recently, not here but on the other blog.

Now I just need to carve out some time to really write and maybe to secure a second office and try to forget how much I dislike flying.

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Money Well Spent?

I purchased a Big Black Book of information today. It came from a trusted online resource and is supposed to help me gain access to editors at a wide variety of online publications.

In concept it is information I could have acquired on my own but doing so this way saved me a ton of time and energy…maybe.

It really depends on if the information contained within is accurate but I tend to think it probably is.

And since the price was less than I’d pay for a sandwich I figured I’d take a swing at it and see what I find. Thus far it looks pretty good because it is a 60+ page list and it includes advice.

The next step is to pick a few targets and see what happens, ya know, send them a pitch and see if they are open to working with me. It is kind of similar to trying to push a boulder uphill.

It takes a bit of doing to get that boulder moving, but once you have it rolling it gets easier.

In this case it is a matter of establishing credentials and trust, once you have that it becomes easier to secure more work.

Have to build the portfolio, these posts aren’t enough.

The Great Juggling Act of 2015

I’m tied up in/with the great juggling act of 2015. Running like a chicken with my head cut off at breakneck speed hoping that I don’t trip and screw things up because I have too many balls in the air.

Speaking of which I got hit in the balls the other day. It is never fun but it is always worse when you don’t expect it.

It was a knee during a basketball game. Guy who did it asked if he could do anything to help. I said find a beautiful woman to rub them but the asshole didn’t comply so I just bent over and took a deep breath.

Well there are certainly worse things that could happen. Need to update the story blog, just haven’t had time to put it down yet.

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My iPhone

Got an iPhone from my office and am now able to compare it to the Droids I have been using for years.

Haven’t had it for long, but I am starting to think I might like it better. But when push comes to shove I miss my old BB for typing, something about real buttons made it much more enjoyable for me to use.

But no Apps and a poor browsing experience killed it.

Might blog more about this and how tech has changed on the main blog.

Independence

When I think about 2013 there are a number of different moments and memories that come to mind. Some of them are among the best moments of my life, the very best and some are just ok.

That is how it goes.

But at the moment what I miss more than anything else is my independence. It is the ability to do what I needed to do when I needed to do it using what I thought were the best possible methods.

Sometimes collaboration is good and sometimes it is an albatross around your neck.

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Productivity

Been far too busy with a to-do list that prevents me from feeling like I can catch up and taunts me because I don’t feel like I am being productive.

If I take a moment and go down the list it appears that I am accomplishing something and that I might be a little harsh with my criticism, but it doesn’t change the feeling.

What I need is better tech and for a few people to get out of my way. They keep providing more  help but fail to recognize their help is in the form of roadblocks.  Don’t ask me to write things up three different ways or ignore my questions about ways to improve processes.

And don’t tell me that something can’t happen when we both know all it takes is a phone call from one person to make these things priority instead of secondary items. We don’t need meetings for meetings.

We just need to have clear highways or at least I do. I get a lot done given the situation, but I could do so much more.

That is not how I want to live, saying so much more. But give me time and I’ll find the lever to move these guys out of my way.

I am nothing if not determined.

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True Stories Of An Anti-Swedite

If I told you the true stories of the Anti-Swedite your eyes would bug out of your head and your ears would bleed. And believe me if they weren’t already bleeding they would be after you took a beating from that big black purse she hauls around.

Really, it is true.

Or maybe it is just a fabrication of my mind, an optical pollution caused by damage from an angry monkey.

Have I told you I am willing to push the envelope and push buttons. More importantly have I told you I will be updating the main blog in a bit. First I need to take a nap, in the interim read these:

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Who Do You Dance With

One day I need to share a few of the dancing stories and the crazy adventures that came with them. Got more than a couple of them that might make interesting blog fodder.

Got other stories tied into dancing, tales that may or may not be told.

Sometime dance is where you discover who you love and who loves you. Sometimes it is where you figure out you have a rhythm that rocks when theirs rolls and sometimes it is where the opposite happens too.

There is a seduction tied up in it all.

Ridiculously Busy

Been far too busy the last couple of days, haven’t had time to write the way I want to. Spent all day in a conference and then 3.5 hours in the car. Going to play ball and then try to come do some real writing.

I get antsy when I don’t write the same way I get antsy when I don’t exercise and I am well beyond antsy.

Kind of grumpy and pissed off.

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The Best Story I Ever Wrote

It is the best story I ever wrote but I haven’t decided yet whether I want to publish it yet. The ‘funny’ thing about it all is I haven’t any ‘metrics’ to use to tell you how or why it is the best story I wrote.

It is just a gut feeling but unlike other times I am not saying screw it. I am not publishing it without a second thought because I want to double-check a couple of things and think about it for a few. The funny thing about thinking about things is how that can impact your feeling about what you have written.

If nothing else I am going to let it sit because it is 8 and I haven’t eaten dinner yet. Been out roaming through time and space and I need to take a few moments to grab a bite and chill out.

I’ll be back here in a bit and I’ll definitely do post some new material, only question is whether I’ll decide to include or exclude that tale.

P.S., someone told me they thought the words below were sad and I asked why they couldn’t just as easily be happy. Perspective is a funny thing.

And then all that he thought he was and would be was turned upside down.

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Left Out Again

They say you win some and you lose some. They say some prayers are answered by not answering others and that sometimes the yes you didn’t get saves you from the no you should have uttered.

In the midst and in between it all there are questions you might ask and others you might never ever consider. One way or another we make our way through the minutes and the moments until we realize that we have been left out again and need to decide if that is a good or bad thing.

Does it have to be a yes or a no?

Maybe yes and maybe not.

 

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The Lightning Rod

You can accept it for what it is or make it what it isn’t.

Sometimes the heart is certain as is the brain but the choices you make will only break one of the two.

I learned long ago I am the guy who will call down the lightning and hold onto the fence. Fingers wrapped around the chain link fence, sometimes body slumped against it.

Not willing to let go until I have figured out what lies on the other side.

Wander into the middle of the flames, stand there and burn until I am satisfied with what I feel and see. Doesn’t matter what others say because I am driven by something I can’t describe or explain to others.

If it means I stand alone and apart I accept that because I have never found another way that works for me.

Better to be certain of failure than fail to be certain.

You never know how much you can take or how far you can go until you hold onto the fence and stand in the flames. You never really understand that if you can take the beating and ignore the screams you can reach that place that lies just beyond sight.

Long ago I had a dream about a time and place that left me with a peace of mind I have never forgotten. Maybe that is what drives me, a sense that if I keep pushing I can find that island during daylight hours and I can enjoy it with eyes wide open.

Maybe that is why I am willing to do battle with the beasts and to rattle their cages knowing that the path to this place requires me to engage with them.

Some might say it is smarter to try to let them sleep and to tiptoe past them. But if I must engage I choose to battle because that is what storm walkers do.

Alone and apart we wander the world until we find our path and are able to lay down our swords and soothe our souls.