You Must Be Deluded

The guy from the prior post reached out to me to talk again about his marriage which wasn’t really the sort of conversation I wanted to have with him…again.

Why?

Because he provided me with a long list of reasons why he should be able to continue doing as he is doing and how it is of benefit to everyone.

Except I don’t buy what he is selling and I already told him that.

It is delusional, misguided, foolish, foolhardy and I don’t believe it is going to work. Of course none of that is my business and I haven’t any desire to tell him any of this.

Do I have a choice in the matter?

Sure, I don’t have to be honest. I can lie and use the same story he is weaving to try and convince himself he is in the right.

It reminds me of being forced to eat shrimp for the sake of being polite. I can do it, but I have significant trouble not making faces while I do it.

Shrimp is the cockroach of the sea and no matter how you cook, season and deliver it to my stomach I feel like I just forced something horrible where it doesn’t belong.

But I also understand why someone might try to lie to themselves or perhaps not recognize the lie they are telling. Sometimes people repeat a story so many times they almost come to believe it.

Anyhoo, I managed to keep him focused on things other than his marriage so I didn’t have to worry about whether I should or should not try to tell him what I think. Better for him to figure it out without me and if on the off chance I am wrong I don’t have to worry about guilt.

Of course if I feel like I did or do something for the right reasons guilt isn’t something I have to worry about so there is that, but we’ll save that conversation for a different day.

And with that I’ll shamelessly plug some other posts:

Clear Talk

A buddy of mine told me he wants to divorce his wife but won’t do it until his kids are in college. He said they have been to counseling and tried to do what they can to save the marriage but he thinks it is done and dead.

So he intends to hold on for another nine years and then he’ll ‘cut her loose.’

I asked him if he really thinks he can hold on that long and he said he can do it for the kids. When he asked me what I thought I told him I hope he doesn’t drop dead before then.

It wasn’t meant to be rude or obnoxious but I don’t know if he really understood that. Nor was I trying to be insouciant or uncaring.

I just couldn’t say nothing, not this time.

Packing and Cleaning

There are days where you just do your thing and days when you can’t because you are packing and cleaning. Sometimes it feels endless but it is always worth doing. No point dragging around things you don’t need for the rest of your life.

Who Has Your Back

There are days where you wonder about whether anyone has your back and days when you are certain.

Sometimes that certainty is rooted in the positive because you know that if things go to hell there will be someone by your side and sometimes you know that if they do, well you are on your own.

*****

Every now and then I flip through my stats to see what’s hot because the way to build traffic is to focus on content your readers want.

During the past three days someone has focused on
Study: Women Are in Charge at Home so I suppose I could provide more content in a similar vein, but thing is, that study doesn’t jibe with how I grew up or live now.

Might be true for some, but not me. More importantly I don’t find it interesting enough to make it a focal point, at least not today.

But I might consider doing more with it anyhow, can’t hurt to think about it.

Recent Posts

This and That

Ever wonder why someone hasn’t done a mashup of Hurt by NIN and Silver Springs or some other Fleetwood Mac song. Something tells me it could be solid.

The current job is still a good bridge to the next thing but I am seriously concerned about what happens if I don’t get something else soon. The big fear is that I’ll have to do more than fight inertia to get myself into something that I really want to do.

It took more than a 1,700 applications to get to this point, so if something better comes along you better believe I am going to take a very serious look at moving to it. Lifes too short to twiddle my thumbs and or avoid taking chances that can improve things.

You can always look at risk and say what if things don’t go right, but what if they do.

I am doing my best to live a life where my regrets aren’t based upon what I didn’t do.

Writing Like a Fiend

Been writing like a fiend, primarily fiction and have been enjoying it. Sometimes it just flows from my fingertips without any effort.

The question is it good enough to entertain and engage or is it just sort of…ok.

I haven’t posted or published all of it, but I have put some up just to see what sort of responses I get…if any. Might as well take a swing at the ball.

The top link below is one of the stories I have been working on, but the bottom four aren’t part of the fiction pool.

Back To…Reality

Whirlwind trip went well. Didn’t get to see an acquaintance, but I knew in advance that might not happen.

Now it is back to reality, sort of. I mean if things go one way than this is definitely reality…more or less. But if they go another than it is a whole new ballgame.

That is what I am rooting for. I need to shake things up, time to start a new chapter and see what it brings.

It is exciting and a bit frightening, but more exciting than anything else. Going off of my gut and this sense that this is the direction I need to be heading in.

Time to head back to the Ponderosa.

Packed and Waiting

One carry-on, one backpack, books and music downloaded for the flight–nothing but time to pass before the flight.

More excited than nervous but anxious to get things rolling so that I can figure out what comes next.

It is a surreal feeling in which I feel like I am straddling two worlds while preparing to move into the next chapter of my life.

Flying

I need a hanging bag or to figure out a good alternative to flying with a damn suit for a short trip. If I was going to be gone for more than a day I wouldn’t care because I would have time to deal with any wrinkles in my plans but this time around it is not set up for that.

I used to have a hanging bag that worked perfectly, but somewhere in the 27 moves it disappeared. Might have to buy a new one.

Trolls

Not every troll recognizes they are an unwanted troll. You can ask them to leave you alone and or ban multiple IP addresses and they still keep coming by.

But sometimes they forget about the tiny digital footprints they leave all over and that gives you the opportunity to contact their office and that generally helps them understand there are better places to spend their time because….

For more exciting material try:

Or

There Is A Difference Between Best & Most Popular.

Saturday Night

Just finished writing a post for the TheJackB while listening to Copland’s Appalachian Spring, love it.

Such wonderful music, it gives me so many ideas and if I had to make a list of music I would take with me to a desert island I would have to include it.

Wrote this post several years back and really like it. Don’t know if it is my best writing, but I feel pretty good about it.

Speaking of inspiration and ideas for stories I have several for the story blog but I haven’t put them on paper yet. Haven’t decided if that is because of time or if it is because I am nervous about them.

That happens sometimes.

You think about writing a story and then worry it sounds silly and or ridiculous and you let your worry prevent you from publishing.

Most days I manage to avoid that, but every now and then I let it happen.

Not something I am proud of.

Just Write

Haven’t had enough time to write lately so I have spent a chunk of time just writing whenever and wherever I can.

Haven’t wondered or worried about whether it is good or bad, I just put pen to paper and let go. It is a mix of fun and fear doing that, but mostly fun.

When you write without worry and without concern about what could happen things happen…good things.

It is how you become a better writer, you just write.

A Single Sign Up

There are bigger problems in the world than this, but I am irked about having to sign up for another frequent flyer program. I swear I was already a member, but I can’t find any information so maybe I am not.

I suppose the bigger question and more significant issue is to figure out whether I should wear my suit on the plane or do a quick change at the airport.

 

Giddyap

Things might be getting more interesting, can’t say for certain yet but am getting the feeling that there might be reason to give myself a closer shave and make sure my nice clothes are clean.

Won’t know for a day or two and even then it might not be anything.

One day life is going to be boring and normal, but apparently that day hasn’t arrived yet.

Need more reading?

Try:

Sirens

My parents tell me that when I was a baby I used to cry whenever I heard sirens or other loud noises like the vacuum cleaner.

These days I don’t cry when I hear either one but there are moments where they have a stronger affect upon me than others.

It usually depends on what the reason for the siren is and how conscious I am of my surroundings.

For example when I was 16 forest fires forced the evacuation of the camp I was staying at. We were lucky that no one was hurt and I attribute some of that to the three or four drills we conducted prior to the real thing.

I guess the camp director and administration had enough knowledge and foresight to be aware that there was a reasonable chance that the fire would force our evacuation and wanted to make sure we were prepared.

Thirty years later anytime I feel a hot wind blowing through the mountains I look upwards and check the skyline. Sometimes just the smell of wood burning brings it back to me

Other sirens like Remembrance Day in Israel have a different sort of impact upon me, where the sirens get me thinking but in a very different way.

What Does Any Of This Mean?

I don’t know if there is any meaning or substance in any of it.

I am just doing what I love to do…write.

Almost time to work on more material for TheJackB.

About That Blogiversary

It is my 11th blogiversary and I am trying  to decide what sort of post to write for/about it. Don’t really know if there needs to be anything like it, but then again maybe there should be.

Not many bloggers make it this far, it probably won’t hurt to put something up at TheJackB.

Guess I’ll see what I can come up with.

Disconnect

I try to disconnect from the blogosphere on the weekends but I don’t do a very good job of it.

I try to disconnect from the crap that bothers me during the week so that my weekends are less stressful but I don’t do a very good job of it.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a disconnect between me and people because there are so many moments where I discover I look at things differently than others.

I rarely care about the disconnect, assuming it exists because I don’t want or need to be like everyone else.

I should disconnect now so I can get some real sleep but I didn’t disconnect from the concerns of the week and that has me and sleep at odds.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever win a million dollars playing the lottery, especially when I almost never play. Certainly that is a different sort of disconnect.

If I ever win enough cash I’ll most assuredly disconnect from the working world…for a while.

There is a disconnect between those who want to give a billion dollars away and me. Ok, I am not a charity and I would prefer to pay all of my bills on my own, but if I said I wouldn’t be excited about winning, inheriting or finding a million bucks there would be a disconnect between reality and I. 🙂

And now I am going to disconnect here so I can go write for TheJackB.

Inconsistent and Inconsiderate

Today has been the day for dealing with people who are inconsistent and those who are inconsiderate. Silence doesn’t mean acceptance. Sometimes it means I am done with you and sometimes it means I am looking for an axe to cut off your head with, or at least dreaming about it. 🙂

A Story To Write Later

Got an idea for a story set between heartbreak and hope. One where you share what people say and write what you heard.

Could be an interesting piece because when you explore the alleys between doing what you think is right and following your heart you can find yourself in all sorts of interesting places.

Sometimes no means no and sometimes it means yes, but not right now.

Some people would call that complicated or a game but others might say it is just what happens when circumstances get screwy.

As for me, well I say it is fodder for a good story. Some people say love isn’t enough and others say it is the force that fuels planets

Some people say love isn’t enough and others say it is the force that fuels planets. I say if you have never loved someone to the point of feeling crazed when you aren’t close you don’t really know what it is.

There is this crazy seesaw that you ride and sometimes the best you can hope for is a little time and distance so that you aren’t consumed by it.

But then again if you must be consumed it is quite the way to go.

Call it a story to write later, the place between heartbreak and hope.

Moments

ELO is singing Can’t Get It Out of My Head and I am thinking about the past three weeks and how challenging they have been.

Been wondering how I ended up in this place but more focused on how to best use this time to get something out of it besides aggravation.

Time is far too precious to be wasted on self pity and ridiculous thoughts that lead no where positive.

It may suck and feel like punishment but it is providing both blog fodder and clarity for how I want to live my life. There is purpose and utility there and that is what I’m going to hang my hat on.

Now if I can find time to write a proper post tonight I shall be quite happy.

Odds and Ends

Been mulling over whether to run Jericho again or not. I have done so here and here, can’t decide if it would be good or bad to do so again.

Chances are I won’t spend much time worrying about how it might impact things and I’ll just put it in and see what happens.

Too tired to do much more than share a couple more thoughts and some links.

There are people in your life who actively support you and those who actively oppose you. It is important to recognize who is who and which is which.

I recently ran into a situation in which I discovered a supporter had switched sides. It was quite disappointing.

And now for some reading.

So Selfish And So Angry

https://youtu.be/tOPNa753e1E
A restless eye across a weary room
A glazed look and I was on the road to ruin
The music played and played as we whirled without end
No hint, no word her honour to defend
I will, I will she sighed to my request
And then she tossed her mane while my resolve was put to the test
Then drowned in desire, our souls on fire
I lead the way to the funeral pyre
And without a thought of the consequence
I gave in to my decadence
One slip, and down the hole we fall
It seems to take no time at all
A momentary lapse of reason
That binds a life for life
A small regret, you won’t forget,
There’ll be no sleep in here tonight
Was it love, or was it the idea of being in love?
Or was it the hand of fate, that seemed to fit just like a glove?
The moment slipped by and soon the seeds were sown
The year grew late and neither one wanted to remain alone
One slip, and down the hole we fall
It seems to take no time at all
A momentary lapse of reason
That binds a life for life
A small regret, you won’t forget,
There’ll be no sleep in here tonight
One slip … one slip

There is no time like the present to look at your past and decide you were a fucking moron but then again there is little reason to beat yourself up about things you did.
Especially when there was no way to see into the future and discover how selfish one person could be.

One Slip

He was two years older than me, the cousin who quoted The Who and said he’d die before he got old.

The wild child who got into trouble more times than I can count and sometimes included me in his plans.

I loved spending time with him because he was close enough in age to be the older brother I never had.

Sometimes the wild child got me into trouble too.

Thursday afternoon my cousin the wild child lost control of the tractor and fulfilled the awful promise to die before he got old.

These few details are vague because I have no more than the sad words of his little sister. Maybe there is more that should be shared, maybe not.

As far as I know the wild child had long ago gotten his act together and this is the tragic accident in which children lost a father and a grandchild lost their grandpa.

Now I sit lost in memories of the time we had and thinking about the time we never got.

Tomorrow I’ll wait for the calls to move back to Texas and hope they’re for what I want but if they aren’t I’ll keep trying knowing that I have another chance.

I’ll remember the lesson of my cousin too, and not wait for action because one slip is all it takes.

Another Interview

Part of me didn’t want to rock the boat or muddy the waters because there is a certain calm that comes with saying you are going to focus in a particular area on a particular thing.

But I felt like it would be a big mistake to skip this just because of the desire to be settled already. So I sat down and answered the questions and did my best to make them want to make an offer or at least bring me in.

And now we wait to see whether we head back to the Ponderosa or wait to see what happens in other places with other opportunities. Life has its moments.

Second Week & Second Thoughts

Second week in and I know I can do this. Second week in and I know if I want it I can figure it out and make it happen.

But it is too soon and too early to really know if I can make the kind of money it would take to make me ignore all of the stuff I dislike about it.

And even if I made that kind of money I don’t know that I would want to stick around.

Was furious when I got home today because I felt like I was spinning my wheels and being asked to do something I am not supposed to do.

So I remind myself this is but a moment in time and a bridge to the next step. It is just for now.

But even saying just for now makes me heart hurt and my soul scream.

I know better.

More reading:

One Week In

One week in and the email comes in from out of the blue, ‘are you still available? Are you in town? Can we set up a call?’

And so I answer, sure let’s set up a call. What should we talk about?

I am not playing games or trying to be coy, just trying to get the fella on the other side to share some of his cards. Not against blowing up the new deal for some other new deal but need to know that it makes sense to do so.

In the midst of all this there are those other irons in the fire, got a feeling one or more of them might come knocking too.

Would have been nice if if happened months ago, but I’ll take it now too. Not a bad problem to have.

And as usual some assorted links for your reading pleasure.

Almost Seven Miles

Put in almost seven miles working in a warehouse today. Unloaded almost half of a 40-foot trailer and engaged in all sorts of other odds and ends throughout the day.

I don’t mind manual labor but I prefer to feel like it is my choice and not the only thing I am doing. Mostly because the kind of stuff I am talking about isn’t the specialized worlds of plumbing/electricity/tile or anything that pays more than basic minimum wage.

There is nothing wrong with minimum wage workers who are operating at the top of their capacity or holding something like that because it is better than not having a job. I know because I have done it.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to work somewhere where more than a strong back is required. I need to think and to be asked to hit both the creative and analytical sides of my brain.

Today wasn’t it and I am not sure this new deal is going to hit those places so hopefully this is just a temporary stop on the journey.

I Want To Write Like This

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”

― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

Clarity Needed

Sometimes I wonder how much crossover there is between my blogs because I know some of you visit the others. Sometimes I wonder if you enjoy one more than another and why.

There is no particular reason for that other than basic curiosity.

I tend to push people towards TheJackB because it is more of the hub of my online ventures. It is also where I think most of my best writing is located.

Today I am jammed for time so I haven’t had a chance to update it yet but if I did I might write about clarity.

I am feeling unsettled and out of sorts about a few things and I am not entirely sure why. I have my suspicions but until I write them down and see them on paper I won’t be certain if I am correct about why these misgivings exist.

It doesn’t mean I can’t figure it out without writing it down because I can but there is a certain degree of clarity that comes from reading that doesn’t always arrive with thinking.

Possibilities

Daughter is away for the weekend on a school trip. Feels strange to have her be the one that is gone, hopefully she is having a great time.

Dear old dad is sitting here smiling and shaking his head because it feels like the energy has changed dramatically and possibility has returned with his friend opportunity.

Almost afraid to stop holding my breath but think I shall because this moment proves that determination, tenacity and persistence work.

Cleaning Up The Mess

I am about done with being asked to clean up the stupid messes other people cause around me. It is long past time for them to grow up and recognize what happens when I am not there to stop the bleeding.

Don’tcha just love these vaguebook posts?

Try reading one of these instead:

or

My Apartment

Sometimes I miss my apartment in Texas and all that it represented.  It holds memories that will be with me for the rest of my life because it is where I figured out the answers to some significant questions.

I don’t spend as much time looking back upon it as some might think, rather I sort of look at the outside and smile.

Because it is proof to me that when I bet on myself and my goals I tend to come out ahead. Doesn’t mean that is easy or always works out in all things but on the important stuff, yeah it works pretty well.

I suppose if I were a billionaire or worth a paltry $500 million I might even consider buying it or something like it close by.

Of course if I had that kind of money it would be one of many hideaways I’d secure. Think I’ll make a note to start working on that.

Sunday Evening

“Submit to possibility and potential and watch what happens.”

Got a big week ahead and much that happens or does not happen will impact the future. The storm approaches

The storm approaches.

That is not hyperbole or an exaggeration of any sort. It is fact because anyone in my position can see the mass of clouds forming and the only question is how the power of the coming storm will be expended upon the land below.

Perhaps there will be nothing more than rain with spurts of thunder and lightning and all that will be required is common shelter.

But sometimes funnel clouds form and you have no idea what sort of shelter will suffice. If it goes sideways on me it could be very ugly and there is no saying what it will look like.

I choose to be as positive in my approach as I can be.

Be ready for the worst and hope for the best.

Perhaps I’ll tie it all back into the fiction here.

What Direction Now

Perhaps the biggest challenge of being engulfed in a category 5 storm is the inability to find the eye and gain a moment catch your breath.

I attribute the relentless pounding and pressure with the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and see it as being a major source of frustration.

When you are being battered it is hard to locate your North star so that you can locate shelter and that is my current situation.

Too much going on and no umbrella or cave to provide shelter. No time to catch my breath and try to make well thought out decisions.

Instead operating off of gut feelings and instinct and praying that I am not pushing myself in the wrong direction. If I was man who cried the tears might have already rolled down my cheeks but there is no time for that.

This moment in time feels far too familiar and maybe that is the biggest issue. Maybe the similarities between an awful moment already experienced and this one is what is really causing the issue.

Trying to pick it apart so that I understand it better because understanding provides options and opportunity.

Speaking of opportunity have you read any of these?

Hit By A Bus

I’ll preface this by saying I didn’t get hit by a bus and that physically I am ok and that I am of sound mind.

But it has been a very challenging period of time and I feel like I just got hit by a bus and then run over by the cars that followed it.

They obviously didn’t kill me but damn if I don’t feel like I have taken the kind of beating that makes you wonder if the docs could put you in a self-induced coma so that you could wake up and all would be better.

Except life doesn’t work that way and though I feel sick about all this all I can do is move forward.

That is what this post is about, moving forward and figuring out how to stand up straight when all you want to do is lie down.

The good news is it won’t take much to fix what is broken but the hard part is I don’t know how long it will take for that to happen.

Let’s hope it comes this week and I don’t have to take the next step.

Cue the theme to the Hulk.

Hard Choices

The joy of being up against it doesn’t start to come through until you recognize how your ability to choose different paths becomes restricted to good, bad and worse.

And the thing about it that really makes life more interesting is you know damn well that the choice you label as good is probably bad and worse is somewhere three steps past awful.

When people have come to me to ask for my counsel regarding their own situations I have often tried to help them ascertain if it was possible that things weren’t as grim as they viewed them to be.

Sometimes we figured out that it really wasn’t that bad, but not always. There were moments where we even figured out it was worse than they had thought.

So as I sit here thinking, er writing out loud and debating whether I’ll put up a post about this on the main blog I am trying to find the truth of my situation.

I don’t want to sugar coat it because it has to be dealt with and the best way to do that is to look at it in the daylight.

So I keep trying to wrap my arms around this motherfucker so I can drag it out of the dark and throw it down the stairs where I can view all sides.

But try as I might I haven’t quite managed to do so and now I worry about not being able to make the smart and well-informed decision I want to make.

My fear is I’ll use a dirty bandage to staunch the bleeding but it won’t fix the problem and it will come back to visit again.

I don’t want my life to look like I am competing with Sylvester Stallone’s 29 Rocky movies. Don’t get me wrong, I have watched them all and if another came out I would probably go see it.

But that doesn’t mean I want it.

And that is the problem right now, I don’t want what I have any more. I am just done.

Need more reading? Try one of these:

Raw And Authentic

I wrote a story the other day that has to be among the rawest and most authentic I have ever written but I didn’t post it.

I was going to, I was going to publish it but something about it was too real and I nuked it.

Kind of silly to say too real, but the intensity in it just sort of tore me up and I deleted it because I just couldn’t bring myself to share it.

That doesn’t happen often, there aren’t many moments where I feel that naked, but this time there was and now the story is gone.

I guess it is tied into the craziness that is accompanying life right now. Speaking of things that accompany others, try reading one ore more of the posts below:

Who Do You Trust?

A long while back someone kvetched at me about my unwillingness to open up to them. They told me they thought it was sad that I didn’t trust people enough to let them in and I told them they were misguided.

Misguided because I don’t require a ton of very close friends to feel happy or secure.  I never have and the older I get the smaller my circle seems to become.

I have never had trouble making friends and have been lucky to have some of the best a man can have. I am well aware of it.

And I am well aware of my proclivity not to share my thoughts with people I don’t consider to be part of that core group.

Since I am thinking out loud here it is probably fair to say that part of the reason my circle has shrunk is due to life. People change, people move and people get so busy they just lose touch with another.

So the shrinkage is natural.

I suspect I noticed it before I moved to Texas but Texas is where I became aware of it. Happens when you move away from your home state to a place where you only know a couple of people.

The person who complained about my unwillingness to share might have found it enlightening to have seen me in Texas because if they paid attention they would have noticed I didn’t run around trying to make friends.

Eventually I noticed how much time I spent by myself but that didn’t happen until I went through a bunch of holidays and realized I didn’t have anywhere to go.

It was surreal because if I had been in LA I would have  been bombarded with invitations but I didn’t have that same network in Texas.

Some of that was refreshing. It was nice to be alone on the Ponderosa and to have time to just be. It was nice to feel like I was starting over and I miss that.

It is also fair to say there were some lonely moments in Texas and times where I wondered when life would begin to feel normal and not unsettled.

But those didn’t happen very often.

And now that I have been gone for a while I miss it more than I can say. Not surprising to me to miss it, but interesting because I miss it with a much deeper intensity than I would have guessed.

Circle back to the friend bit and I’ll add that I am quite aware of whose presence I notice and whose I don’t. If you are among those I notice chances are I miss talking with you but it is also fair to say I tend not to chase people.

If I am important to them they’ll find me and make it obvious and if not, well that is ok too. We all have our priorities.

Not everyone deserves our trust or access to intimacy but those who do, well they are people you hold onto. And in my experience time apart doesn’t have a significant impact upon the friendship. We just pick up wherever it is we left off.

Ask Dr. Google

As a rule I try not to ask Dr. Google for advice about medical issues or at least I try to be cautious about it.

That is because you can scare the crap out of yourself with what you find because when you don’t know much about what you are researching it is easy to find yourself falling down the rabbit hole.

Easy to misdiagnose and or misunderstand what you think you have and then you find yourself getting worked up about something that might not be an issue.

That being said I did a search today because I was curious about something and now I am wondering if surgery is in my future.

If I am right it is not likely to be major but for a short time it will impact things for me.

The question is how soon does it need to be done. If I can put it off for around six months that could be very helpful.

But what would be even better is to find out that I am wrong and it doesn’t have to be done at all.

Crazy Times Are Here

Crazy times are here again. Trying to figure out how it all happened and what I can do to sail through these seas more smoothly.

It has cut down on some of the posts here, but this place isn’t going to die. Might be a bit slower here, might not.

You can still find plenty at the main blog. Check these out:

A Little Headbanging

A lot of frustration leads to a little headbanging but not of the sort that brings a smile to my face. That sort of sucks but again not as I like.

Must find a way to fix/correct/adjust it.

Insert wry grin and listen for loud yell.

Enough

If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. That means I will find a way to let you go about your business.

Tired of doing all the heavy lifting on my own and having to share decision making.

Working Too Hard For Too Little

Woke up this morning thinking about how hard I work and how little I get in return. It is not right and not something I have to put up with.

It is not about whether it is fair or not, it is about deciding to make a change because I can.

You reach a point where you either move or you don’t.

Get Back Jo Jo

If I told you it feels like I am close to moving back where I belong you might ask where that is. I’d say it is probably one of roughly three places that I have lived in and that this would be the second go around.

Course nothing is certain until it is so we’ll just see what life decides to throw at us.

Don’t Put The Cart Before The Horse

Activity levels have increased dramatically and some of these things are truly exciting, but I don’t want to put the cart before the horse.

The other shoe has dropped so many times it is hard not to expect it but it is also hard not to believe every no has put me one step closer to the yes I am looking for.

Worked so damn hard to get where I was and twice as hard to get back what I had.

And then it fell apart but this time I think it is going to be better because of the foundation that exists now that didn’t then.

Won’t say more or add more specifics to any of it yet because of the whole cart before the horse, but I will say that hard work and an ounce of luck have done more to get me through this last period than anything else.

Looking for more to read?

Try these:

Surgeon Oh Surgeon

I have this sneaking suspicion that the surgeon and I are going to have to have a conversation. Got a feeling this old man might have a hernia, but not entirely sure.

Might be wrong, not a doctor and old Doc Google isn’t real clear about it. So I am going to be a good man and go play some more ball tonight and see what happens.

Whatever this is hasn’t stopped me from roaming the court, but I have been cautious about lifting weights. Sort of feeling it all out, like I said it might not be anything other than age.

Or it might be stress.

Or stress and age.

Or something else.

In the interim I still have to find a way to do some more writing, been a little sparse lately.

Who Do I Write For?

If I told you I only wrote for me it would be a lie and if I told you that I only wrote for one other person that would be a lie too.

The thing is I rarely know what I am going to write about until I start to do it. Voodoo Magic & Witch Doctors was just me thinking out loud and I really didn’t know where it would take me.

I read a piece earlier that day that said writing about health issues can help people so I suppose that was on my mind but mostly it was me thinking about whether I wanted to see a witch doctor at a clinic or just wait a bit.

Some of my favorite posts are written that way.

What Next

Could tell you about the woman who told me during an interview she had no idea what position she needed to feel or about the woman who said things were great, was excited and just disappeared on me.

Did she get busy? Is she on vacation? Was she kidnapped?

Who knows.

Nothing like a a little excitement to add spice and variety to your life.

Almost There

Had two more interviews this week and a bunch last week. Starting to feel like I can almost touch that brass ring, but I am afraid to hope too hard because the shoe has dropped so many times before.

Can’t say where I’ll be in five years, five months or even five weeks.

Could be here, could be there, could be anywhere.

I know where I want and what I but beyond that…

A Nice Surprise

Got a nice surprise the other day.

Someone complimented my writing and it made me smile. It was unexpected and came from someone who has had some success so it felt good to hear.

Would have been nice to hear those words from others too, never unappreciated but this one caught me off guard and I guess that helped accentuate it.

Regardless of who it never hurts to get some positive feedback for our work. And now for those who are unfamiliar with mine may I offer some posts for you t0 read.

or you can try these:

Progress

I been working on some of the stuff I mentioned here. It feels like I am making progress and I have some ideas for how to deal with the various threads I pulled on over here.

I am ready for what comes next, this treading water stuff is getting old. Patience and I are not always close friends but I am doing all I can to just let it happen and not force things.

Using that what’s for you won’t pass you philosophy. It has taken some work to try and really buy into it but I think it will help me relax.

My interpretation doesn’t mean that you sit back and watch the world pass you by rather if you do what you need to do and sustain your effort good things will come from that.

Goofy Or Good

It felt like dawn broke inside my head and the sunrise melted all of the doubt that had lay in the shadows.

Sometimes writers fall in love with their words and expressions. Can’t decide if I should be proud of this one or disappointed. Have to think about it.

It works in context of the overall story I think, but maybe I am wrong.

Still working on the stuff I mentioned here and trying to relax and let things come to me ‘cuz it is a big week filled with all sorts of stuff that could make some big changes in my life.

A Few Thoughts

Intention
Love, love, love this.

Initially used it over on the main blog but it is something that can be used and reused over and over.

It is not the woo woo aspect that gets me, it is the declaring your intentions and then holding yourself accountable that I focus on.

The universe might help things along but it doesn’t happen without significant influence and intention from us.

In other news I am still trying to clean up the mess at the other joint so it doesn’t keep having issues. Keep running into old posts that catch my eye, reading some again, deleting others and fixing broken links and pictures.

Here are a few that might be worth looking at:

Full Circle

713 Words- Don’t Search For Meaning

Telling It Like It Is

The Tipping Point

A Moment In Time

Hard To Wait

Got more news on Friday and have spent the weekend anxiously waiting for the next week to start so that I can make the next move. Hate this back and forth but sometimes that is how it goes, so I am doing my best to be patient.

Head and heart agree that I am on the right path, but it feels a bit weird to tread water.

And So It Goes

Three interviews today, two earlier this week.

Argument with teenage boy today about things he consider serious and I call frivolous. I felt badly because I understand his frustration but sometimes there are no good choices.

Sometimes you make the best one you can and go with it. You can’t screw an old head on young shoulders but given time I think he’ll agree with what was done.

Won’t like it now, but my perspective isn’t based upon the short time he has been around. It is based upon decades and that lends some credibility he doesn’t yet possess.

One day he will, but for now he can’t see as I do so he has to accept the compromise, even if he doesn’t see it as such.

In the interim he has no idea what I have gone through to make these things happen and how much I have done to try to make his life easier. That allows me to sleep at night because I know no matter what happens I have done my best.

But it doesn’t always take the sting out of some moments.

One day many years from now I will sit him down and talk about it. He doesn’t need to know it yet because he’ll worry about stuff he has no control over and that is pointless.

It is my job to worry about the so called high level big picture moments. I am good with that, but some times it gets old.

Three interviews, supposed to hear about a different position this week. The week is almost done, mix of nerves about some of it.

I’ll feel better when some decisions have been made, the perch on the fence is uncomfortable and not to my liking. Better to make a move and then deal with what comes than to wait and hope for a magical outcome or hero to appear.

I am my own hero because I can’t rely upon anyone else for rescue nor do I want to.

Awareness

I don’t know when I realized just how much I missed living in Texas because my initial reaction to having moved away was tempered by a variety of things.

There was a while where I thought the majority of it had to do with who I missed and that was the driving factor.

As time passed I realized that was indeed a significant and major component but it wasn’t the only thing. I realized that I had started my personal journey to living there twenty years earlier and that I hadn’t been there long enough.

I realized it just felt like home and that not being there meant I wasn’t home. So while I have said in the past that I could live virtually anywhere with this other person and feel like home I have always known  some places felt like home regardless of who I was with.

Texas is among those and not being there makes me feel like I am away from home.

When Your Brain Is Stuck In Neutral

Once my brain was stuck in neutral and I wasn’t entirely sure what to do but today I don’t have that particular excuse to use.

Today I know exactly what I want to do but I can’t do it so I have to decide how I want to phrase it:

I can’t do it…ever.

I can’t do it…today.

I can’t do it…yet.

Or maybe I won’t give it an ending. Maybe I’ll let it hang.

Another New Year’s Eve approaches and I can add that to the list of things I want to do/spend differently this year. Don’t have to close my eyes to picture or imagine any aspect of it.

If and when it should come about it might be different in many ways but I am confident the feelings I have in the places that matter will feel full and not empty.

In Between Homes

Been listening to this song my entire life but it is only recently that it hit me that it feels like it is describing my life now. I am not homeless but I am definitely in between homes. The joint I am in now could be a place that I could stay in for years but it won’t because it is not right.

Not right for a million different reasons none of which really matter because it is just not right. Where I was just before was once home but those days were long ago and it won’t ever quite feel the way it should.

Funny thing is the place just before that was always a transition home to me. Was always a sort of placeholder but it broke my damn heart leaving it nonetheless.

Don’t think I ever wanted to say that out loud or write it on any kind of paper because…well I just didn’t. Part of me saw a connection between this song and it.

People say that what is meant for you won’t pass you and I believe it up to a point because you have to recognize opportunity when it shows and though it might punch you in the nose a million times if your head is up your ass you just won’t get it.

I know that because I have been that guy. Been that guy who didn’t make a move because he preferred to dance with the devil he knew and then because he worried about the million what ifs that were tied into everyone else around him.

Well I kicked the devil’s ass and sent that motherfucker to Georgia because that is just how I roll and then I sat down in the darkness, licked my wounds and cried by myself because I rarely share my tears.

So now I am the City of New Orleans again but this time I am the damn engineer and conductor. This time I am not backing down, away or stepping to the side. This time I am the man that the world made made me into but focused on being the man I wish to become.

No excuses. No surrender. No choices other than to push through.

I am tired of living in between. Time to break on through the other side and get that home.

Doesn’t have to be forever, just has to make me comfortable enough to say this is home for now. Success Is More About Effort Than Luck and I am going to prove that…again.

$25,000 From the Universe

I wrote the universe a letter earlier this year asking for $25,000.

“Dear Universe,

If you could find an easy way to make $25 grand show up in my bank account I would be grateful, thankful and appreciative. A million would be even better and ten million even nicer than that, but I would be happy with $25k.

Of course if you are in the mood to negotiate because you can’t find a way to get the million or so I asked for you can find the same broad smile on my face for a cool $250k or even $100k.

But if that doesn’t work I am happy to settle for $25k because that would simplify things for me. Wouldn’t fix all of my problems or enable me to retire but I’d have enough to keep me going long enough to get to the next thing and that would be grand.

Good things are coming for me. Big things are coming for me and you are a part of it.

Just think how good you will feel universe if you help bring those changes about sooner, especially if you are in any way responsible for the things that led to this place today.

Of course I’ll give you credit for that time in the parking lot and that other moment too, but they still pale to the moments and events that took place in between those moments.

But it is fair to say that what was book ended between is why I learned about possibility turning into opportunity and why I think it can happen again.

Go read these:

Reality

Been dealing with far too many people who are relying upon their experiences from decades ago to make suggestions and comments about the reality of today.

There are some things that really haven’t changed all that much and times when you can use your experiences as a valid resource but it is not always applicable. Had way too many conversations where people talk to me about communication but their experience is based upon the telegraph and not upon the smartphone/email/text/Internet/Social media world we live in.

And they are clueless about the current job market, just clueless.

Feh on them, tired of being asked to listen to them drone on about what they know nothing about.

Too Busy

It always frustrates me when I am too busy to write and I can’t say it was because I was doing things I enjoyed or because I was earning huge sums of money.

On the other hand today was far better compared to many recent moments so I’ll smile and enjoy the sunshine on my back.

Looked in the mirror and almost recognized the man looking back at me. Think I might enjoy getting to know this one.

Been thinking about the important things in life again and I keep coming to the same conclusions. Don’t have time illustrate or cover it in detail now but I’ll provide a rough synopsis.

When you find people who make you smile, who make you feel loved and valued you hold onto them. You don’t have feel like you are madly, passionately in love all the time, but if you can have that some of the time and know that if rough spots come you are happy to work on overcoming them together you are in good shape.

Every relationship has its challenges. When you know you don’t care if you overcome them it is time to think about who you are spending your time with.

Reading material

Silence

Had to bite my lip during a conversation today with clueless people who don’t realize how little they really know. Part of me wants to say they are a big part of why life sucks now but it is not entirely true.

Still enough fits for me to want to scream. This just can’t continue.

Relaxing Music

I listen to all sorts of stuff while I am writing/working. Sometimes it is regular music, sometimes it is an app that plays a rainstorm and sometimes it is these bells.

Most of the time I find them relatively relaxing.

Been writing like a fiend lately, just going wild and have come up with a few posts I think are pretty good. I’ll let share a bunch with you and let you decide which ones I am talking about.

Is Faith A Virtue

I ask myself if faith is a virtue and wonder if it matters if it is or not.

I ask myself if I believe that magical fairy dust is going to rain down upon my head and provide the answers/solutions to the big things that are wreaking havoc now and wonder if it matters.

Because I have done all that I could do to make things happen and it thus far I have seen no answers. I have been to the top of the mountain and the bottom of the sea looking for options and alternatives and they don’t exist or if they do I am blind to them.

And now I look in the mirror and ask the reflection why he continues to mock me but there are no answers. Just words on a page and comments about four minute blog posts.

The Four Minute Blog Post

Haven’t had a real conversation with my best friend in far too long. Might have to rectify that or just keep going to see if they notice the silence.

Hah, I know they notice the silence and that it bothers them, still it doesn’t stop me from saying they are a giant pain in my ass, but I suppose they might say the same about me.

Going nuts trying to figure out what cellphone to buy. Damn things cost enough to make it a significant purchase so I want to make sure I buy the right one.

I’ll make whichever one I buy work for me, but that doesn’t mean I want to work any harder than I need to. Going to play ball, see the car show and take the world by storm this week, not necessarily in that order.

Would sing a song for you but don’t feel like dialing a phone right now to upload the file here, maybe later.

That is all I have for now. Try reading one of these posts and you’ll get more substance.

 

After Midnight

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long.  If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes~

It is no secret that I am a man who lives in both time and space. By that I mean that I am firmly rooted in reality. My feet are on the ground and I know exactly what is happening around me. But I don’t always accept things at value.

Place me inside a boxing ring with Mike Tyson or Muhammad Ali in their prime and there shouldn’t be any chance of my beating them. It shouldn’t matter whether you take the 40 year-old I am today or the 20 year-old I once was, the fight shouldn’t be close.

Those who know me best know that I will step into that ring believing with all my heart that I have a chance. It only takes one shot. One moment in time and I can put the champ on his ass. It doesn’t matter what the scenario is, I will always believe that I can find a way to succeed.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t accept the possibility that I might not or that I am not prepared to deal with it. I do and I am.

The question I ask myself is am I better served by taking a more conservative approach in everything. Am I better served to say that since the chance of success is so minuscule I shouldn’t make the attempt.

I wrote those words a long while ago but much of what I see there is still applicable today. I still think I can figure out whatever you put in front of me, still believe I can solve the really hard stuff because I have to believe it.

Don’t think I could have made it through all the crap if I didn’t believe I could get beyond it. Doesn’t matter how ridiculous it is or how silly it seems, we all have our ways of making it and this is mine.

I just believe I can and often I have and when I haven’t I have shifted gears.  Been more important than ever lately because life has been exceptionally tough and so I have had to draw upon the reserves which in many situations wouldn’t be a big deal except my reserves are close to empty.

This is why I am here at the computer after midnight, too much on my mind to sleep and no 24 hour gym to visit and no heavy bag in the garage to work upon.

Took a moment to stare at the faces of sleeping children and promised them I’ll figure it out. I did it before and I’ll do it again.

But damn, it is hard to believe that I am in this place again. I think the most frustrating thing was I had made so much progress and yet it didn’t take long for things to get nasty.

***

I took a six month contract and did so well they extended it, doubled it in length. Got excited because that was enough time to put a chunk of change away and then they surprised me and ended it earlier than expected.

So that big chunk of change was smaller than expected and like very good story we had a few extra bills that came up so the reserves went faster than expected and now I am back at the computer doing my best to stay calm.

Doesn’t pay to get too frustrated but damn, I worked my ass off.

Still, I have found a way to get through it all and I’ll make it again, might not have any hair left and I’ll probably have more wrinkles but…

Need additional reading material?

The Five Minute Post

Took a Facebook personality test and here is what I got:

You are a Leader!

As you probably already know, you are a born leader! You are a very charismatic, passionate, mature and calculated person. You are always there when people need you, you always know the right thing to say, and you are always able to help.
Your sense for leadership has gotten you far in life: You have a great career, amazing family and lifelong friends, but you are no stranger to hard times as well.
You’ve had more than enough struggles through life, and although it seemed very daunting at the time, your good spirit and amazing set of skills has always helped you to overcoming them.

I used to enjoy being a vocal and active leader but lately I have been focused inward and more interested in taking care of personal needs but I am ready for the personal stuff to be put aside so I can focus on someone or something else.

That is because I am tired of the merry-go-round.

****

Mom has surgery tomorrow. It is not major but it is enough to keep her in the hospital for a few days. I’ll make a point to head over to see her, which leads me to say it is probably a good thing that I haven’t moved yet.

But moving is still my focus. I need to be elsewhere, my time here hasn’t served me as well as I would like and I think life is calling me to try to build new things in other places.

Speaking of other places my time is up, might come back later. If you need something to read try one of these:

Hello Fury, Nice To See You Again

Every now and then I give myself a moment to take a hard look at the current situation and I move from frustration straight to anger.

Anger moves to raw fury and I generally take it out on the heavy bag. Feels good to beat the shit out of the bag and to let loose.

Most of the time I feel better when I am done and I find clarity but every now and then I sit down covered in sweat and wonder why I am stuck fighting these battles alone.

I am built to last and I confident that I’ll find my way through, always do and always will but I’d be lying if I said that doing it on my own doesn’t get old.

It Is Not About Insane Courage

It is not about insane courage. It is not about giving yourself an excuse so if things fail you can give yourself a way to pretend you didn’t do anything.

It is about our willingness to commit, to take the risk that leads to the reward we don’t believe we can get any other way. It is that moment where you say “I have done all I can do, tried everything else and now I am just going to lay it on the line and see what happens.”

If it doesn’t scare you silly it means it is not that important. We aren’t talking about some physical endeavor in which failure leads to critical injury or death.

We are talking about whether you will do something that will scar your heart if you don’t. We are talking saying “fuck it, today I am going to do all I can to get to the other side of that hill” and then just going for it.

You may fail. You may crash and burn but you’ll you know you tried. And let’s be clear about something, failure hurts. Trying to achieve won’t protect you from pain or aggravation but it will provide you with the foundation to pick your ass up and know you did what you could and sometimes that is enough.

Decisions, Decisions

Trying to decide if I am going to move some of the posts I wrote for the Red Dress Club over to TheJackB. I need to do them just in case I lose access to the other blog. Got to make a complete list, but I think this covers most of them.

Got to make some tough decisions about other stuff soon, been dragging my feet because I hoped I wouldn’t have to but time has come.

More on this later. More posts to come elsewhere, but first homework with the kids.

Snap, crackle Pop

Yesterday I promised to come back and update the fine folks here regarding this post so here I am.

Doc took a look at the X-rays and said she saw new bone knitting. That confirmed there was a minor fracture. Good news is it is mostly healed.

Bad news is the kid is in the brace until next Friday, but he’ll play ball again on Saturday.

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Off To The Doc

Leaving in two minutes to pick up my son and go see his orthopedist. Today we find out if the brace comes off, keeping my fingers crossed.

With some luck he’ll be fine and I’ll get to update this again with positive news.

Three Things

I saw The Phantom Tollbooth movie when I was around 6 or 7. It was the beginning of summer and my mom gave me a dollar and I bought a ticket. Did I mention it was at my elementary school?

Kind of funny to think about how things have changed because now if a parent dropped a young kid off people would have a fit.

Loved the book too, got some great quotes I might use in a post on the other blog. I have been looking for it on Netflix and never found it, but I did notice it is currently on Youtube.

That link works now, but who knows how much longer that will last.

Three Things

The first was mentioning the movie, the second was the book and here comes the third. Several years ago I used to participate in an online writing group in which the moderators offered prompts we were supposed to use to write works of fiction.

I wrote around 35 or 40 posts and published them on two different blogs. Since one of them isn’t self hosted I recently became concerned what might happen to the content there that isn’t backed up.

So I have been moving things over to TheJackB to see that they are saved. Some of the pieces are pretty good and others are…

Anyhoo you can expect to see more of those show up there.

And for those who are still reading something tells me this week is going to mark a turn in my luck.

About That Devil

So the devil on my back decided it would be a good time to really test me and has sent more angry crap flingin’ monkeys my way. For those keeping score this includes the son with the arm in the brace (follow up appointment coming this week) and the son of a guy who was sort of an arch nemesis of mine.

Only this time the father is a pain-in-my ass because his kid is messing with mine. It is part of the normal middle school crap boys go through but unlike my day you don’t have as much leeway in which to smack the other kid.

Got some other crazy in laws and relatives who are just a pain and more to boot but this devil is going to learn I am not having it.

The Devil On My Back

Been a particularly challenging time and it has been hard not to second guess some of the choices I have made. So I have made a point to stop that kind of thinking when it comes because there is no upside to it.

I can’t go back in time. I can only deal with today and what comes afterwards.

But it doesn’t mean I haven’t been frustrated or that there haven’t been moments where it has felt like some devil or demon has jumped on my back and is holding on with all he/she/it has got.

I can’t reach dead center of my back. If there were a real creature there I would slam my body into the wall or throw myself down the stairs. Not the preferred or most pleasant way to remove such things but I work with whatever resources I have at hand.

Of course I find myself being frustrated with the realization that when I say things like this I think about the recovery time. I never used to think twice about such thing. My body did what I asked it to do and if I pushed too hard I paid a price for a day or two and that was it.

Except now the price is much higher than ever before and every day I am made aware that I am not what I once was.

Part of the joy of the journey I suppose.

One of the funnier parts of becoming an adult is realizing that kids who think adults know more are so very wrong. We are all just winging it.

Music For The Moment

It is a Toby Keith kind of day. You can listen to these songs and read whatever you want into them or just accept that music fills parts and pieces of me that nothing else does.

It is all part of the magic formula that someone, something or nothing developed when they made me. Thankfully they broke the mold when they finished because the world doesn’t need more knuckleheads than already exist.

And some Jimmy Buffet too

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