Lately my biggest question revolves around who I can ask for help and who I can trust to be there for me.
It is kind of frustrating because there is stuff going on and it feels like it is me, myself and I taking on the world.
Not that I can’t handle things and figure out solutions, but it is hard to do it all on your own.
And that is what it feels like, I am on my own.
Nothing makes sense and yet part of me feels like he sees the road ahead with perfect clarity.
The mix of fear, anger and inner peace that is tied into this feeling of certainty is a crazy contradiction but it makes sense…sort of.
An idea was borne of experience knowing that sometimes you can sit with some people and pick up exactly where you left off, even if everything has changed.
It sounds crazy and some people would accuse those who held on to it of not being in their right mind but so what.
People used to say that anyone who believed the earth is round or that man could travel to the moon was nuts.
Crazy isn’t always crazy, sometimes it is just unproven.
Kind of funny to realize I am fucking furious with someone who I thought was concerned about my welfare and yet I am also ambivalent and forgiving of their behavior.
It almost makes sense…almost.
I am standing in the middle of a fucking storm and the only reason I haven’t collapsed is because I am too stubborn or too fucking stupid to recognize when it is time to seek shelter.
That is not hype or bravado, it is just me calling it the way I see it. Can’t give up because I am too close to making it to the other side but it is not hyperbole to say I am getting my ass beaten like a drum.
But the best part of having survived the other stuff I have been through is I have learned a few things.
Funny thing is in some ways this is clearly the worst I have been through and the hardest moments yet that past experience proves this will past.
But it is really fucking hard and just when I think I am close chaos is unleashed and I don’t know if I am close to the eye of the storm or just on the edges.
Won’t bother asking for help or support because it is not going to come, this just me and I have to figure it out. One thing I know, when I come out the other side I will be changed again.
I keep acknowledging fear and discomfort. Keep thinking if I do that things will be easier, but thus far, hasn’t worked very well.
Just reminds me I am scared and nervous, but I’ll suck it up and keep going ‘cuz what other options are there.
He looked in the mirror and wondered what he feared most.
Was it being dead wrong or absolutely right.
Didn’t know what he was waiting for other than this gut feeling that told him it wasn’t quite the time. Had you asked him to tell you when that would change or what it was he was waiting for he would have shook his head.
Had you asked him to tell you when that would change or what it was he was waiting for he would have shook his head.
Not because he didn’t want to say but because he didn’t know and hoped that whatever feeling he was following wouldn’t lead him astray.
He missed the times when he could be certain of things but figured uncertainty wasn’t such a bad thing. Time would come when the world would spin again.
One day I am going to have to have that honest, no holds barred conversation and see where I end up.
One day I am going to have to stop pushing it off because there is never a good time and it is going to wreak havoc whenever it happens.
One day isn’t a useful way to look at things because all it does is push off the inevitable and the necessary to a different time.
Soon, we’ll make it soon because it is the only way change can come and it has to.
Got conversations to have and stories to tell. If I could sit down and really talk with some people, man oh man.