Thought It Was Gone

Not sure what happened, but for a moment this place didn’t come up and I thought it was gone. Wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but am glad it still exists.

Still have feelings for this place even if I am not consistent.

Still True

As in, the post below is still true. Time will demonstrate it for certain or for…otherwise.

And Here We Go

Well SQ, much has happened since our last conversation and I am beginning to think that you are desperate to be taken by yours truly.

Scraped

It looks like this site is getting scraped. Kind of irksome to see people try to steal my content.

I Called You

I called you and you answered. We had one of those old fashioned conversations that could have gone on for hours had life not interrupted.

I wondered if you would call me…

Oh Shmata Queen

Oh Shmata Queen, are we still playing this game where you pretend you don’t want to submit.

That S.Q.

That S.Q. still has me waiting but not in the same way as before. Got a feeling a meal is coming soon and answers.

Still Waiting

Still waiting, but some things have progressed and now there is the new reality.

How Long?

How long SQ, how long will I have to wait?

Waiting for SQ

Got a feeling that SQ will show up and things will open up and start moving in a particular direction…maybe.

The Quiet

Is it the quiet before the storm or the quiet before destiny hits.

And So It Goes

Been some of the craziest times I can think of. So many stories I can’t tell now, but one day…

What Happens Next

Every time I am certain I know what happens next something happens to teach me not to be so certain.

Answers

Thought walking away was the correct thing to do and then other stuff happened that made me wonder if maybe there was more story to be experienced.

Told myself that I had been down that road so many other times that I ought to keep going but then something caught my eye, ear and something else so I put it on pause.

What To Do, What To Do

Walk away or hold on. What to do, what to do.

The Lady Is Absent

The lady is still absent and I cannot decide whether to go take her by the hand or see if she actually notices my absence.

So Much Has Happened

Had a particular plan of action I intended to follow if some things didn’t happen by 12/31.

They didn’t so I started along the path to follow them and then once again, fate/karma/life/something interferred.

Now I am mildly surprised, kind of torn but kind of not. Some things don’t want to just end.

Sometimes Absence Is So Damn…

I confess I always notice when we are really talking and when we are not. Sometimes absence is so damn noticeable.

Strikes me harder than I expect every damn time. Surprising, both good and bad.

We Missed A Whole Month

Dear Lady Of The Manor,

Damn if we didn’t miss a whole month here. Damn if we didn’t miss updates and my asking when we are getting lunch or dinner. You don’t have to submit, but you’ll be happier if you do. 😉

Time to talk and hang out.

The Lady Of The Manor Part 2

The lady of the manor heard the bells and remembers that one kiss changes everything. She wants more but hasn’t made a determination yet, though we both know in whose arms she’ll be again. 🙂

The Lady Of The Manor

Felt the Lady of The Manor thinking and could feel her remember what it is like. The memory suited her better than she wants to admit.

Waiting

She said we’re inextricably linked and I think she was probably right. So I am waiting for the Lady of Manor to end the frigid silence.

It is coming, I can feel it. 58th birthdays do that. 😉 I know exactly how old she really is.

Stuff

Still intend to share this with SQ sooner or later. Thinking about all that led to this place and wondering what the outcome of some of it will be.

Can’t let go of some things, my anger is deep and unrelenting.

Eventually some of it will dissipate because there is no point nor use in drinking poison but I am not there yet.

So much good stuff, but damn it took something to get here and that is part of my anger but can’t say more than that now.

Maybe someone wants to have a real conversation…in person and we’ll talk or maybe not. Might not be that time yet.

Ads and Signs

Been meaning to share these with the Shmata Queen.

Honest Writing

The sense of relief that comes with honest writing is huge.

When you can put your thoughts down without concern about the consequences of sharing certain ideas or feelings it comes with a wave of relief.

Years ago I thought not being able to write/speak openly meant there was a big issue with whatever you were worried about sharing but I have come to see that is not necessarily true.

You can feel stunted and stilted about some things because putting those out there would cause issues you would rather not have. People don’t always react based upon logic or reason.

Post Secret Post Card

I think about sending a post card to Post Secret about us. I wonder if they will post it and I wonder if you will see it.

I wonder about many things, maybe we’ll discuss them one day.

Rougher Nights

Rougher night than I expected, this grief thing isn’t for the weak but I am not the giving up type of guy, eh SQ.

How Many Blogs Does One Man Need?

If you are me the answer appears to be many.

That begs a follow up question of how effective are you at utilizing said blogs which leads to a second follow up question of what metrics are necessary for measuring effectiveness.

Am I setting up a new series on blogging and going to focus on these thoughts?

Maybe, but I don’t know if I will run it here. Have to decide if I like it best where I have more anonymity or better where I have more traffic.

Decisions…decisions.

Keeping You Updated

Got a link to the prior post for you. I miss you woman. I know you know it and I can feel you thinking about it.

We were best friends and maybe kind of still are, just sort of on hold in a way. I bet you might wonder if you would get addicted to me again.

I expect there is a good chance you might, but is that really a bad thing. I don’t think so.

I Called You Part 2

Told you something in the prior post and now two weeks later I repeat it, I called you.

Maybe you are ignoring me. Maybe you’re hiding. Maybe you’re waiting for me.

Maybe I am just a memory, a dream you once had and let go.

Maybe.

I Called You

I picked up the phone and called you. If you open your eyes, ears and heart you can hear me shouting even though my voice carries at a whisper level.

Fire Dancing

Been doing some more dancing in the fire again and writing about it here and there.

Probably been more explicit in some places, waiting to see if I get a response or if I will need to go looking for one. Got a few ideas about both and what I will or will not do.

Suppose that is ambiguous to some readers and probably not of particular interest but there are boundaries in blogging.

There are things we put out on paper with no concern for who reads them and how they might be interpreted and others that we are more circumspect with whom we share.

It’s part of the fun.

Always Liked It

That Virgo Girl

I told that sweet Virgo girl that I would update most of the places I write in. Already updated the cyberhome, trying to decide if I’ll add another tonight.

I might, depends on if I see her traveling around and if so, well I probably will.

The Virgo

Always nice to see my favorite Virgo girl come visit, nicer to see her in person and show her my joy. 🙂 Step into my arms, and I’ll show you.

Can’t wait.

Not old, Still Sexy

You’re not old and you’re still sexy to me… woman. Not sure how soon you’ll read this, but you will. The URL of this blog makes me laugh, you’re to blame. 😉

In My Arms

Woman, you need to be in my arms. It is warm and safe there, better than the wacky winter crap going on outside.

Spilling Out

Some of what is inside is spilling out, that is what happens when you let loose a bit huh.

Letter To A Woman Part 2

Dear Lady J,

You know that silence is acceptance and I have understood yours to be an agreement to my proposal. 🙂

Letter To A Woman

Dear Woman,

I have a letter I have written to you. Hell, I have 10,000 letters.

Maybe we’ll see each other in person soon and I’ll bury my nose in your neck and let you know what I wrote.

Secret Stories

Oh do I have stories about secrets and secret stories. If you sat on my lap or next to me on the couch I might even tell you one.

Song Quotes

Your kiss is on my list.

Coming Soon

Dear Lady,

Yes, I wrote those two words for you. You can make of those what you may be it inside June or any other month. 😀

That Familiar Ache

Got that familiar ache, the one I know from so many years. The one that says I want to know if my heart is wrong or right. Sometimes you just miss people.

A Warm Greeting

Got a very warm greeting for you dear woman. I think you’ll enjoy it.

Step Into

Step into my arms and tell me you don’t feel connected. Tell me it isn’t home and one of the most familiar, safe places you have ever been in.

Honestly…

I didn’t expect anything to go as it has or to be as it is/was.

Life is very different than what I would imagined it to be 25 years ago.

I have tried to just roll with it, let go of somethings and hold onto others but I end up in the same places.

Some might call it destiny and some coincidence but I’m more of an agnostic on it.

Can’t say it’s entirely the latter and can’t say it’s all the former.

Somehow it all rolls back to a couple of people and I suppose I decided long ago I’m going to take the road not taken.

Maybe I’m a naive fool who believes in romance or maybe I’m an idiot, sort of don’t care.

Just want to test my theory so the answer becomes obvious.

Coming

It’s coming woman, time together again. Pasqualina the gypsy queen says you need to be kissed and I’m just the guy to do it.

Could call it destiny, could call it science. Could say I need to bury my face in your neck.

Could say I wrote about it in greater detail but not here.

You Need To Be Kissed

Woman, you need to be kissed. You need to feel my lips pressed against yours so that you can be reminded and remember.

Enough of the excuses and lists of reasons why it shouldn’t be tested. Some things are meant to be experienced.

Could Be Love

He thought about why it was hard and so confusing and thought it could be love.

Some things don’t die quickly or easily and some keep going for the distance for reasons we don’t understand.

He reached out with his mind and talked to the woman,

“Take a chance and step into my arms. See what it feels like and maybe we’ll discover that time has passed us or maybe we’ll see we are right where we need to be.”

Pending Review

Thought about picking up the phone or sending a text/email/message about the prior posts but haven’t decided yet.

It is a conversation I’d much rather have in person because it makes more sense to me.

The simple path of least resistance is to do nothing and see what does or doesn’t happen but that doesn’t make sense to me.

Could be easier but it doesn’t really provide resolution now does it.

Given all that is going on I am not sure if face-to-face can happen any time soon and maybe it doesn’t matter.

Maybe destiny is a human construct and maybe it is not. Maybe there is no rhyme or reason to things happen, maybe there is.

Ultimately doesn’t matter now does it. I could wait and see if the other party does anything but my guess is they will always let me go first on something like this.

Unless it is in person and who knows.

Bottom line choices and decisions are pending review.

Going Deep

Post before this one shocked me today because it felt like I could almost reach out and contact the person I was thinking of.

Thought about telling SQ that I really want to go deep and have the kind of no holds barred conversation we used to on a regular basis.

Because sometimes you need to be able to have that trust that you can share those innermost thoughts with someone who may not always agree but understands how to support you.

And maybe I will…maybe.

Caught My Eye

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”
― Pablo Neruda

One More August Post

Should I write a special birthday post? Decisions.

Your Best Friend

You miss just picking up the phone to speak with the guy who was your best friend and maybe in some ways still is.

Almost A Month

Almost a month since the last post. Damn, time moves too fast and yet too slow.

A Big Hug

OK SQ, I think it is time for a big hug. Going to wrap you up–just telling you in advance.

Here We Are

One foot in the past, one in the present and one in the future.

I’d say call me a tripod and you might roll your eyes. Of course there is one with dark hair, dark eyes and long legs who might have something to say about whether there is truth or exaggeration about the tripod part.

Step forward woman, let me wrap you up and we’ll talk about life.

A Few Things

Someone asked not so long ago if The Shmata Queen and I are married and I laughed. Reminded me of the old days and a plethora of conversations.

When they asked me for an answer I said she’d tell you we are inextricably linked together…forever.

They asked if that meant yes and I said make of it what you will.

When they pushed I said my dear Shmata Queen might not want private business discussed but would absolutely appreciate the push for details.

That being said pushing me for information I don’t have interest in sharing rarely gets a solid response.

And there is no guarantee that trying to motivate me to do anything by walking away or going silent will work as I have spent so many years living in silence and uncertainty I am typically more comfortable than others.

It is not hard to find me but that doesn’t mean it is easy to be with me or get information. I can be prickly and I am not usually bothered by it.

Thinking about doing something more with this, maybe.

Sweet Girl

Well Sweet Girl, I am more convinced than ever that what I said here is true.

I feel the need to take you and have you. I bet you have thought about it more than once.

Your Lips

Sweet girl, your lips miss mine. You know how I know?

You told me.

When are we going to fix this.

You Need To Be Fed

SQ, I think you need to be fed and I am just the person to do it.

What’s The Connection

I know what Preparation H is supposed to do, though I’m not sure it works.

But what I don’t know is the connection between the name and it’s function.

Bleah.

And Now We Wait To Hear

The waiting for a response has begun.

Woman Oh Woman

I still lay even money that you’d like to spend a few minutes in my arms. You always felt safe there and still would.

Quarantine

I’d like to say I have had so much sex during quarantine I won’t ever need it again. That would be beyond an exaggeration and honestly, the person I’d like to wear out isn’t in this house so…

That is the sad or hopeful truth, depending on how you look at it.

Wrestling With Tech

Sometimes I get tired of wrestling with tech and sometimes I…don’t.

Hee Hee

Oh the stories and things to share.

Open Arms

Let’s be honest woman, you’d like to rest in my arms cuz you know you feel safe there.

But you are holding back cuz that animal magnetism will take over and who knows whether you’ll be on your back, bent over the couch and in any number other positions you fake grouch.

Ok, you are not a fake but it doesn’t bother me because I am pretty damn grumpy myself.

Whatever.

It is a crazy mixed-up world, who knows what will or won’t happen, I sure don’t.

But I have my ideas.

Like A Rock

Woman, eventually you’ll get here again and I’ll remind you I am here for you.

 

Some People You Miss

Some people you miss when they aren’t around even if you have seen or spoken to them recently for no other reason than just because.

Conversations To Be Had

For the time being though there are conversations to be had I am not pushing to have them.

Doesn’t mean I am ignoring them because I absolutely am not. Time will come when I will make them front and center.

When I choose to go looking those that I search for will know and will engage because there will be no other option.

The Joy Of Aging

Got a new situation that has cropped up that is beginning to make me crazy. Trying to see if I can fix it myself.

Good times.

Almost

Almost used this in a post, but opted not to cuz BJ Manilow got my thinking about activities I’d be interested in this evening but are unavailable.

And so it goes, the battle against and with other things as listed below.

Ain’t life peachy.

Battling Anxiety

It is an all-out war right now, not against my own but another.

It is tearing me up, making me feel crazed and a little lost. Guess I am back to faith and hope that my gut is right about another thing.

Fuck.

Proud of Myself

I did what I feared to do.

Aging Isn’t For The Weak

There are things going on that concern me because I can’t figure out if they are the sort that happen once and go away or if they stick around.

I lean towards the body healing itself and them being manageable, but sometimes I wonder and occasionally I worry.

Tales Of A Naked Shmata

One day you might read tales of a naked shmata or maybe not. Some don’t kiss and tell.

Why Not

The question of whether you should come up with new content or not isn’t answered here.

Reading and Writing The Night Away

That is what I am doing, reading and writing the night away.

Almost 24 Years

Almost 24 years and I am reminded again that I should have changed it all a thousand years ago.

How very disappointing to be perpetually reminded about how poorly understood a person can be by those who should know better.

Second choice and second best is a recipe for trouble, too bad I wasn’t smarter.

Updated…

Went through a few of the blogs I maintain and discovered I forgot to hit publish on a few.

Doh!

Oh well, I guess I have had ample reason to be distracted.

Things We Notice

It’s not just carrying that weight I mentioned in the previous post, it is the lack of affection in general.

There are virtually no hugs or touching of any sort from anyone. I didn’t know how much I would miss it.

The things you learn about yourself as you walk the path.

Carry That Weight

Gets old being the guy that always carries the weight. No real support and no choices other than to keep moving straight ahead for a little while longer.

Bleah.

Silly Things

Told a chick with long legs and dark eyes to sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up.

She rolled her eyes at me and asked if I really thought that was going to work. I said it always had in the past.

And then I woke up and realized she wasn’t there but she had been there in the past so who knows if that is a premonition or silly dream.

Wow

Things are moving at light speed, not sure how it will all turn out. In theory it will all be good and maybe even great.

Would much rather focus on a woman and things that we could do to…gether.

But that might have to wait until she wakes up or I get this other stuff settled. What a crazy time.

What Comes Next

Made a couple of moves professionally and am waiting to see what comes next. Maybe nothing, or maybe more than a little something.

Should make life interesting. Yikes.

Sleep

Been a long time since I had a proper partner in my bed. It isn’t solely about sex but about the companionship too.

And So It Goes

Sometimes teenagers make you wonder if it would be easier to run away or beat yourself over the head witb a bat.

What Comes Next

He clicks on a link and time travels becomes possible.

Updates & Updating

There is a girl who comes by this place periodically looking for updates so I am fixing this so that she has something new to read.

Here Milady, is a new post.

The Girl

The girl was seated and he tried not to stare too hard or too often, but he didn’t know whether he did or didn’t.

Didn’t really worry about it, but it didn’t mean he didn’t think.

Take A Chance

Trying to make a few things happen. Trying to figure out the smart and safe route versus risk and reward.

Risk sounds like the reward might be worth it.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Lots of maybes lately.

So What

Wrote two posts in the last week on the story blog.

Took fragments of fiction and pieces of reality and did my best to weave them together as those pieces seem to do the best with readers.

Survived a brutal week that was five times as hard as it needed to be, but also got some big things moving.

Waiting to see if what I set in motion pays off as it could be a huge game-changer at work. Won’t know for a bit.

There are some real nice opportunities coming down the pike or so I hear so I am trying to keep things going long enough to see if they are as promising as I hear rumor of.

Daughter asked for a guarantee I won’t take any position out of state until she graduates.

I told her I am not looking for one and that I am trying to put roots down for a while but said if the right opportunity came along I would have to be open to it.

Truth is I don’t know what would be, but if you offered me several hundreds of thousands of dollars I would have to at least listen.

F*ck

Got one hell of a challenge with work and I am a bit nervous because I don’t know if they’ll give me the time to make things happen.

I think they might, but who knows.

I am pretty good at this and I think this could be pretty damn good and lead to lots of good stuff, but I have to survive now.

Have to be given a chance.

Hope springs eternal right.

I Love Wrong Numbers

Some People Never Speak First

Some people remain silent until you approach them.

What Comes Next

Got this strange feeling in the back of my head that big changes are coming. Wonder if I am right or if this funny feeling is nonsense.

Lonely Days

Seems I am in the midst of the lonely days. Wonder how long this will or won’t last. Could be a while, could be short.

Restless

A working vacation isn’t relaxing. Can’t call it quits today and can’t focus as well as I would like.

Restless feeling has me going crazy.