Something Must Be Working

Got just a moment to touch base, might come back and add to this or write something new but if I don’t…

Frustrated because my left arm is trying to betray me, there is some mystery pain there that only screams when I try to lift more than a few pounds.

Doesn’t matter if I am doing curls or push ups I feel something going on. Been more cautious about it because I wasn’t sure what it was and it has been going on for longer than I care to think.

Hate this part of aging, this should be a couple  moments of discomfort and then it should go away. Going to see what happens and then I am going to push it and see if I can work the kink out.

Got good news though, these shorts around my waist will need a belt soon because they are falling off. Can’t tell you how much I have loss other than it is not enough to make me feel like it is time to stop but it is enough to notice.

Small victories add up.

A Sleepover Party

Late this afternoon my house will be overrun by a bunch of 10 and 11 year old girls.

They are coming for a slumber party to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. I am sort of dreading it which is funny because as a kid I loved these parties but as an adult they wear me out.

The Squeaky Wheel

Summer traffic is always a bit off, at least in the blogosphere. There are lots of days where it is a bit slower than the rest of the year.

It freaks some people out but not me. I figure people are on vacation or I am just not providing the sort of content that gets shared as often as it could be.

But I also make a note to track how much time I spend visiting and commenting on other blogs because there is a relationship between my engagement and the amount of traffic I receive.

I have been thinking about it quite a bit because I used to be much more consistent about it but for the past year or so my visiting has dropped off.

Haven’t decided if it is a time issue or if I just haven’t been as into it as I used to be, but I am definitely aware of it.

It is also on my mind because I have felt the urge to try and increase the number of regular readers so I have been thinking about ways/means and methods.

It is a cluttered field out there in which the proverbial squeaky wheel gets the grease. Might be time for me to start greasing so that things get a bit more involved and active.

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Three Steps Forward & Four Steps Backward

I woke up this morning in a very foul mood and tried to figure out why so many of my dreams have been so disturbing and decided it is because I feel like I have taken not three steps forwards and two backwards but three steps forward and four steps backward.

Yeah, it feels like many of my accomplishments have been tainted because I am in a giant hole and sliding downwards. It is not just a little irritating but exceptionally irritating to feel like I had gained so much ground and then lost so much so soon after.

It is possible it is just a bad moment in time and that my foul mood has impacted my perspective.

It is also possible that I am spot on but there is a bit of hope here. If I can slide so far backwards in such little time there is no doubt I can move back to where I was and beyond in just as little time.

That is the goal because I despise feeling like I hate where life is at right now.

I have a plan and I am working hard to see that it is executed because I am not one to wallow but damn, did I really have to get jammed up like this again.

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Support

I am not fond of whiners or being a whiner. If there is a problem I want to figure out how to fix or remove it.

Can’t say that I don’t understand how some people stay where they are because they fear what could happen if they try to change their situation because I have been there. And in some ways I suppose I have maintained my own status quo because it was what I knew.

But at the same time I have never understood why some people insist on letting life kick their ass each day and how they never seem to have had enough.

Because I can’t live that way or be that guy.

Yet sometimes when I read what I have written it feels that way so I consider my thoughts and ask myself why I feel as I do.

Most of the time it comes back to feeling like I do it all on my own and that there is no support or limited understanding about what I am facing and have faced.

Others might disagree with me but that is ok because I am not interested in building a consensus about how I feel. What I know is that November-February were among the least pleasant times in recent memory and that if felt like my skin was being flayed while hot sauce was being poured over me.

Things improved a bit and some equilibrium was found but it didn’t fix what felt off because this transition time is grinding upon me. I feel like I am climbing a mountain and the other climbers have fallen off but since they are still connected to me I am dragging them up the side inch by inch.

Bleah.

And So It Goes

My frustration level is higher than normal and I want to say higher than it should be but I don’t know if that is a fair statement to make.

I am trying to break it all up into pieces so that it feels more manageable and so I can get a clearer look at things to determine if my reasons are solid or not.

Why?

Because sometimes we let ourselves go nuts worrying about nonsense and I hate when I do that. Yet I can’t necessarily say I am any better at preventing those worries from taking control than anyone else.

Got irritated about a lack of feedback regarding my posts which is sort of funny because I have always said I would write regardless of whether anyone read them or not.

Most of the time that is how I roll but sometimes it is hard because when I have put something more into a piece it is nice to be recognized for it. It is nice to hear that it moved someone.

The good thing about heavier emotions is they are a useful tool for writing. Sometimes that kind of anger/sadness/frustration really lends itself to storytelling. Laughter and general happiness can work too.

Rolling down the list of things I took a hard look at my resume and I just don’t like the way it looks. Not really talking about the look but more the way it feels to me. Drives me a bit crazy to think about things and not feel as accomplished as I would like to be. It is easy to blame others for that but I have to look at myself first and wonder what I did or didn’t do.

I am just tired of feeling like it is me against the world. I won’t quit and won’t give up but $@TY$WG#$@RQ