After Midnight

I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long.  If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes~

It is no secret that I am a man who lives in both time and space. By that I mean that I am firmly rooted in reality. My feet are on the ground and I know exactly what is happening around me. But I don’t always accept things at value.

Place me inside a boxing ring with Mike Tyson or Muhammad Ali in their prime and there shouldn’t be any chance of my beating them. It shouldn’t matter whether you take the 40 year-old I am today or the 20 year-old I once was, the fight shouldn’t be close.

Those who know me best know that I will step into that ring believing with all my heart that I have a chance. It only takes one shot. One moment in time and I can put the champ on his ass. It doesn’t matter what the scenario is, I will always believe that I can find a way to succeed.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t accept the possibility that I might not or that I am not prepared to deal with it. I do and I am.

The question I ask myself is am I better served by taking a more conservative approach in everything. Am I better served to say that since the chance of success is so minuscule I shouldn’t make the attempt.

I wrote those words a long while ago but much of what I see there is still applicable today. I still think I can figure out whatever you put in front of me, still believe I can solve the really hard stuff because I have to believe it.

Don’t think I could have made it through all the crap if I didn’t believe I could get beyond it. Doesn’t matter how ridiculous it is or how silly it seems, we all have our ways of making it and this is mine.

I just believe I can and often I have and when I haven’t I have shifted gears.  Been more important than ever lately because life has been exceptionally tough and so I have had to draw upon the reserves which in many situations wouldn’t be a big deal except my reserves are close to empty.

This is why I am here at the computer after midnight, too much on my mind to sleep and no 24 hour gym to visit and no heavy bag in the garage to work upon.

Took a moment to stare at the faces of sleeping children and promised them I’ll figure it out. I did it before and I’ll do it again.

But damn, it is hard to believe that I am in this place again. I think the most frustrating thing was I had made so much progress and yet it didn’t take long for things to get nasty.


I took a six month contract and did so well they extended it, doubled it in length. Got excited because that was enough time to put a chunk of change away and then they surprised me and ended it earlier than expected.

So that big chunk of change was smaller than expected and like very good story we had a few extra bills that came up so the reserves went faster than expected and now I am back at the computer doing my best to stay calm.

Doesn’t pay to get too frustrated but damn, I worked my ass off.

Still, I have found a way to get through it all and I’ll make it again, might not have any hair left and I’ll probably have more wrinkles but…

Need additional reading material?

The Five Minute Post

Took a Facebook personality test and here is what I got:

You are a Leader!

As you probably already know, you are a born leader! You are a very charismatic, passionate, mature and calculated person. You are always there when people need you, you always know the right thing to say, and you are always able to help.
Your sense for leadership has gotten you far in life: You have a great career, amazing family and lifelong friends, but you are no stranger to hard times as well.
You’ve had more than enough struggles through life, and although it seemed very daunting at the time, your good spirit and amazing set of skills has always helped you to overcoming them.

I used to enjoy being a vocal and active leader but lately I have been focused inward and more interested in taking care of personal needs but I am ready for the personal stuff to be put aside so I can focus on someone or something else.

That is because I am tired of the merry-go-round.


Mom has surgery tomorrow. It is not major but it is enough to keep her in the hospital for a few days. I’ll make a point to head over to see her, which leads me to say it is probably a good thing that I haven’t moved yet.

But moving is still my focus. I need to be elsewhere, my time here hasn’t served me as well as I would like and I think life is calling me to try to build new things in other places.

Speaking of other places my time is up, might come back later. If you need something to read try one of these:

Hello Fury, Nice To See You Again

Every now and then I give myself a moment to take a hard look at the current situation and I move from frustration straight to anger.

Anger moves to raw fury and I generally take it out on the heavy bag. Feels good to beat the shit out of the bag and to let loose.

Most of the time I feel better when I am done and I find clarity but every now and then I sit down covered in sweat and wonder why I am stuck fighting these battles alone.

I am built to last and I confident that I’ll find my way through, always do and always will but I’d be lying if I said that doing it on my own doesn’t get old.

It Is Not About Insane Courage

It is not about insane courage. It is not about giving yourself an excuse so if things fail you can give yourself a way to pretend you didn’t do anything.

It is about our willingness to commit, to take the risk that leads to the reward we don’t believe we can get any other way. It is that moment where you say “I have done all I can do, tried everything else and now I am just going to lay it on the line and see what happens.”

If it doesn’t scare you silly it means it is not that important. We aren’t talking about some physical endeavor in which failure leads to critical injury or death.

We are talking about whether you will do something that will scar your heart if you don’t. We are talking saying “fuck it, today I am going to do all I can to get to the other side of that hill” and then just going for it.

You may fail. You may crash and burn but you’ll you know you tried. And let’s be clear about something, failure hurts. Trying to achieve won’t protect you from pain or aggravation but it will provide you with the foundation to pick your ass up and know you did what you could and sometimes that is enough.

Decisions, Decisions

Trying to decide if I am going to move some of the posts I wrote for the Red Dress Club over to TheJackB. I need to do them just in case I lose access to the other blog. Got to make a complete list, but I think this covers most of them.

Got to make some tough decisions about other stuff soon, been dragging my feet because I hoped I wouldn’t have to but time has come.

More on this later. More posts to come elsewhere, but first homework with the kids.